“The biggest coward of a man is to awaken the love of a woman without the intention of loving her.” — Bob Marley
I wasn’t in love. We weren’t in love, but we were friends. After being out of touch for over a decade, we picked up right where we left off. We talked for hours on weekdays; almost until we fell asleep, and all day on weekends. The vibe was lit, just like it was back in the day when he had no idea I was attracted to him. Besides thinking I wasn’t his type, I was in a relationship — my very first relationship at that! I was cool with being the homie, which to this day, I consider the highest honor to behold among my group of guy friends.
You can imagine my shock (and excitement!) when he disclosed he was attracted to me too back in the day. Then and only then was I willing to display the cards I held closely to my vest. Had he said nothing first, he would have been none the wiser; and not because I wasn’t genuinely attracted to him, but because anything else left me more vulnerable than I figured it was worth.
After what I thought was the biggest hurdle, the silence of his ghost was deafening. And like every other situation in which one person ghosts on another, of course I’ll never know why. But honestly, that’s not the hardest pill to swallow. As I mentioned before, we were friends.
I don’t have a fear of rejection; in fact I’m known to encourage people to take the leap of demystifying whether their attraction for someone is mutual. But the ghost is much worse. After you’ve gotten over the fear of rejection, opened up, and become vulnerable with a person, it’s bewildering if you all of a sudden never hear from them again, all for a reason unbeknownst to you. The ghost is worse than giving it your all and things still don’t go how you anticipated (cause, they never do anyway) because at least there’s (hopefully) an identifiable reason. The silver lining in all this is, I know and believe this is not about me.
My good good girlfriend always says, “there’s reasons and seasons.” I’ll take a reason over a season any day, or a season that ended for a reason. But a season that is just a season, and the realization that your friend is a fuck boy — and you never knew he had it in him?! The universe can keep that.
My situation wasn’t as deep as Bob Marley’s quote, but I feel a way about how it all went down. I’m not mad but, I hope he steps on a Lego.