Susan G. Komen Foundation Adopts New Cancer Screening Policy for Worthwhile Lives

DALLAS, TEXAS -- In conjunction with their controversial recent decision to pull funding from Planned Parenthood clinics, the Susan G. Komen For The Cure Breast Cancer Foundation today announced a new screening policy for providers, meant to detect and help save only "the most worthwhile" lives, which included a new emphasis on stamping out breast cancer in the unborn.

"The Susan G. Komen foundation has always worked towards a day when no woman has to lose her life to breast cancer," said spokesperson Jean Gladson. "Thanks to these new screening policies, which will help providers determine early, and decisively, which lives are worth our saving, we're going to be able to take a huge step in the right direction."

"By eliminating further treatment for those individuals whose survival importance we deem 'stage 0,' our overall survival percentage rates are going to be WAY better," Gladson concluded.

The new screening methods allow care providers to determine which individuals seeking care are deserving of actual treatment based on a series of simple preliminary questions about the patient. Some of these include: "Is the patient Latina, Non-Gentrified Black, or another non-specific Poor?"; "Has the patient ever shopped at a Wal-mart? If the patient refuses to answer, use the 'smell test' guidelines included at the back of this pamphlet"; "Does the patient's insurance information, or lack thereof, lead you to believe that society as a whole might be better off if this patient died from untreated, but not-provably-breast-cancer-related, illnesses?"

According to the Komen Foundation, the new guidelines have been especially effective in improving breast cancer outcomes in fetuses, or "pre-infants," one of the few groups the screening methods deem still eligible for treatment.

"Our increased attention to the breast cancer needs of the unborn is paying off in a big way," Gladson told reporters. "Since we've instituted this new pre-screening treatment plan, our pre-infant breast cancer rates have dropped down near 0 percent."

"Those are the numbers we're looking for," Gladson continued, "and some day, thanks to the strides that Komen For The Cure has taken today towards providing breast cancer care for only the most desirable candidates, we'll get there."

"Christian God and the 'right to life' organizations willing."

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