My First Catholic Confession in 40 Years Was on the iPhone

Hells' Bells! A new app for the iPhone allows sinners to make an instant confession. The *official* Catholic Church asks the hard questions; you spill the beans.

Using the church's traditional "examination of conscience" criteria, here's my confession, the first one I've made in 43 years. I want to make George Carlin proud:

1st Commandment: I am the LORD your God. Thou shalt not have strange Gods before me.

Do I not give God time every day in prayer? I do not.

Do I not seek to love Him with my whole heart?

I do not. I am an atheist, a lapsed Irish Roman Catholic brought up in the American church of the 1960s when we protested the war and the nuns took their habits off and the priests ran away to become gay liberationists. I named my life story Big Sex Little Death, which is definitely for Catholic tastes.

Have I ever received Communion in a state of Mortal sin?

The last time I went to confession, I was 9 years old and the most tearful sin I had on my conscience was my silent anger at my mother and her rules. I also loved The Beatles and I knew our parish didn't approve.

5th Commandment: Thou shalt not kill

Have I had an abortion or encouraged anyone to have an abortion?

Yes, Yes.

I can't believe this is the FIRST question on a 5th Commandment list!

Have I physically harmed anyone? No.

Have I abused alcohol or drugs?

As in "killing" someone? Jesus, what is this doing in the 5th? A hangover question? However, my Polly Purebred answer is still no. Drugs aren't my weakness.

Did I give scandal to anyone, leading them into sin?

By your insinuation, I hope so.

Have I harbored hatred in my heart?

I hate to admit this. Yes. Finally, the one question in this entire examination that causes me guilt and pain.

6th Commandment: Thou shalt not commit adultery

Have I used any method of contraception? All of them!

Have the sexual acts in my mariage always been open to the transmission of new life?

'Fraid not!

Have I been guilty of masturbation? As charged.

Have I not sought to control my thoughts? Not the sexual ones, no.

Have I not respected all members of the opposite sex -- or have I thought of other people as objects?

I have respected everyone's dignity and humanity, regardless of gender. I don't think we're so "opposite."

What strangely modern language. The notion of "people as objects" is inane; it isn't biblical. I would be a lunatic to confuse you with a chair, for example.

I guess this phrase means, "Have I ever gazed upon an image of someone and had a sexual fantasy about them?" Yes, and it is the most human thing in the world.

9th Commandment: Thou shalt not covet your neighbor's wife

Have I consented to impure thoughts? The very best kind!

Have I caused them by impure reading, movies, conversations, or curiousity?

--What is this, my job description?

Do I allow myself to lose control of my imagination?

WOW. I *live* to lose control of my imagination.

(But what about "my neighbor's wife"? The priests forgot to ask! I do covet her. Her name is Lindsay. She is awesome).

10th Commandment: Thou shalt not covet your neighbor's goods

Do I not trust in God will care for all my material and spiritual needs?

I didn't know this was an option! Please forward His address so I can mail the bills!

"Spiritually," I'm ready for my fork.