THE BLOG

I Want to Swear Like a Sailor

I know this woman who can let out a slew of f*** yous that will make you laugh hysterically and cringe at the same time. See, I can't even write it. I so wanted to type that word just now, but I can't! What would my family say? Come on! I am an educated, classy woman who speaks to the masses and must represent decorum and grace. I am a mature woman who can find other ways to share her feelings. F*** it. I feel like a liar! When my friend lays out a string of sentences laced with that musical, delicious word I know that she is telling it just the way she feels it. And me? I am holding back all of that frickin' truth because grandma would be horrified, not to mention my entire world of professional colleagues. With a mouth like that I certainly would never be invited to meet the Queen.

Frickin. I just wrote frickin'. I tried to pass it off. But, I know you saw it. And really what is that word? First of all, when I type it autocorrect wants to change it to friction. Why doesn't autocorrect change it to what I really want it to say? Who programmed it to be so proper and judgmental anyway? When a client in my office swears in a fit of frustration I encourage it! This is your space, you can say anything here. Confession. I not only encourage it. I live vicariously through it. But heaven help it if I swear back. Yes, I wrote heaven help it. I can't swear because I must keep a level of professionalism so that my clients can trust me. Really, how would they feel sitting across from this gentle guiding spirit who is swearing like a g** d*** sailor? And yet, if I had a therapist who swore like a sailor I think I would trust her that much more.

When I first started dating my husband I used to say the word s***. He told me it was a turn off. I should use the word shoes instead. So I did. I reprogrammed my mind to say "oh shoes!" Isn't that cute? Isn't that more feminine? Won't that make me more attractive? "Oh shoes." Come on. It is probably the least sexy thing a woman could say. And how old am I anyway?

So here is the truth ... that friction truth. I will never get past my proper upbringing to use that word in public ... to say it out loud ... to let that melody of wondrous mouth watering, sexy, dangerous, swear words roll off my tongue. I will continue to lie to the world. I can't let them know that my mind thinks and screams the word "f***" all the time! But watch this. I will write it. I will type the letters right now. I will set my profanity-laden mind free! I will send it out to the masses on social media now! Ohhh frickin' flippin' shoes ... I can't.

Oh, fuck it! Yes, I can!

Earlier on Huff/Post50:

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