U.S. Will Intervene in Syria When Ben Affleck Drops Out as Batman

In a statement released this morning, the Obama administration said it will intervene militarily in Syria contingent upon Ben Affleck dropping out of the role as Batman in the planned sequel to Man of Steel. "Yes, the current situation in Syria is grave," said White House International Affairs/Comics Geek Czar Randy Heslip. "But the idea of Mr. Affleck essaying the role of the Caped Crusader is probably the most offensive, ruinous, destructive occurrence in the history of recorded time. If we can't do something to stop this, how will be able to look at ourselves as a race of civilized people?"

Negative response to the casting of Affleck as Batman has been widespread and includes the Syrians themselves, with rebel fighter Murhaf Diarbakli noting, "Chemical weapon attacks? A bloodthirsty dictator? Wholesale slaughter in the streets every hour on the hour? We can deal with that. But, please, please, we beg the United States -- before you even consider helping us, find a more suitable actor than Affleck. We'll gladly wait." Diarbakli went on to suggest alternative casting choices: "What about Idris Alba or Jon Hamm or Javier Bardem? And why can't a woman play Batman? Cate Blanchett would be fantastic."