7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1
Are you done? You just made a decision whether or not you liked me and wanted to continue reading this article. If it were real life and I was walking towards you, you'd have already made your decision about who I was, how I looked, what was important to me, and whether or not you were going to like me. Crazy huh? 7 seconds!
In 7 seconds you'll think you know everything you need to know about someone... completely based on their appearance and body language. Only 7% of your interaction with a new person has anything to do with the words you say. So yeah. Good luck with that one!
Does anyone else see the problem with this? The majorly huge, giant, world breaking problem?
Let's break down the soul sucking vortex for you:
AWARENESS: I'm going to be judged by my appearance.
STEP 1: Judge my own appearance. To the point that I literally hate myself and constantly feel like I should look, feel ,and do better... every single second of every single day.
STEP 2: Start comparing myself to others. Other moms, co-workers, smarter people, cooler people, less weird people, richer people, skinnier people, prettier people, or people in general.
STEP 3: Hate ourselves for not being those people and try to change. Enter the "problem solving" pop culture. Inventions solve problems. Money buys innovation. People like money. So we keep inventing new ways to feel less sucky about ourselves so we can make more money! We are blasted by images of people who "fix" themselves. So we think we should fix ourselves too.
STEP 4: We bash against the same stupid wall over and over again trying WITH EVERY OUNCE OF ENERGY WE HAVE to fix ourselves and end up rolling around in the same self-pity. Because we can't stop going places and seeing people and being judged. I mean we all need chocolate and there isn't a mail service for that. (oh. did I just solve a world problem?).
If you want proof just do some research about the inequalities in pay in regards to our appearance? Oh you're tall? Bank. Oh you're pretty? Bank. Oh you're blonde? Bank. Physically Fit? Bank. Fat? Nope. Don't wear makeup? Nope. It's absolutely unreal what our outward appearance does to impact our success. No wonder we have gone crazy as a nation!
This is a huge problem! Why?:
Because we're actually very rarely right! 7 seconds gives me just enough time to sludge my kid out of the car- not even. So if the play group moms are watching my "hey get your shoes back on, why is your cup upside down and spilling on your clothes, did you poop?, do I have cheese curl schmutz on my shirt?, oh crap I forgot to brush my teeth!" process for getting out of the car, then I'M ALREADY SCREWED! And that's just my story.
Imagine the difficulties and pressure this places on all groups of people. We approach every situation with our preconceived 7 seconds of judgement about them as well as all the bias of our upbrings. Then we take those judgments and use to them to group people into categories. It's not always just race or color based. We create all kind of segments of people.
Earthy, Snobby, Domestic, Career Focused, Fit, Religious, Moral, Immoral, Gay, Straight, Black, White, Yellow.... the list goes on and on.
But guess what I'm not the person you see in the first 7 seconds of meeting me. I'm this person. This SO NOT TOGETHER person. We all are!
And even if you took that 7% of what I say and use that as a basis for your judgement of me, you'd still likely be wrong. Because you don't see or know who I am or where my life journey has taken me. Instead we wake up every morning and shroud ourselves in our judgy pants. We wear them with pride! But we shouldn't because I bet 9 times out of 10 we're wrong.
In a past job experience, I mentioned my church background to a fellow employee as it was a commonality with his story. It seemed like a good bridge to create conversation and potential friendship. What I didn't know and was later told, was that this co-worker was gay. Now, even though I have a religious background, I have absolutely no problem at all with how he lives his life and who he loves. But he had already formed his opinion of me. He didn't ask me what I felt about his lifestyle. He didn't know that I have a dear friend who is gay. But his past religious experience gave him the knowledge he needed to judge me and mine. I forgave him. He didn't know. But it makes you think how many times do I do this to others.
So what would happen if we looked at someone and made a choice not to judge them? Would time stand still? Or what if we just made a choice to test our 7 second impression. What would that look like? That would look like grace! That would look like LOVE.
Grace in regards to forming our impressions of others literally doesn't exist! We wear judgy pants first! We only afford grace to the people in our life we've already chosen to love. But what if we loved first? Seriously think about it. What if instead of being a butt head to the cash register lady at Walmart you say "I'm sure you're having a long day! I hope you get a break soon." What if instead of making a snap decision about the play group mom with 6 kids who seems like a hot mess, consider that you have no idea what's going on in her daily life. Your 2 seconds of understanding or help may be the only kindness she receives that day.
When we start giving away grace we're way more likely to receive it! When we love first we create space for a person to be authentic. You become the sincere person who gave them a second to forgive themselves. Love crosses all boundaries. Love goes beyond the compartments of judgement we place people in. Love doesn't see a color, love reaches beyond religious affiliations, love unites, love creates, love opens us.
So please.... take off your judgy pants! Like... right now and just try it. Try looking at someone and offering the grace you want to receive from them. Offer your kindness and understanding before you decide if you like them or not. Try to get past the armor they're wearing to avoid being judged. (We all wear it!) Love first and just watch how grace comes back to you.