As this year comes to an end I find myself subconsciously and consciously taking inventory of myself. Just the other night it all began to come to the surface while sitting in a woman's circle. This is something that is new for me and I now crave. Being surrounded by a dozen woman and seeing myself in each one brought me back to seeing myself and my own struggles, journey, expression, joy, sadness, fear, happiness, joy, play, confidence, ect....the list goes on and on.
Every time a woman spoke I was hearing a part of myself. Some I liked and others I felt not so great to listen to. When I felt myself close off and even daze off looking at the wall decor in the house we were in I knew this was a reflection of a part of myself I was not being honest with. I have old patterns that are stubborn not helping me and judging myself and not changing does not make any sense and this is deeper than my mind. (and I don't think I am alone) It pains me in the fabric of my heart and I am meeting each one of these parts of myself and letting her know it's ok for her to show her face and let go. I will love her no matter what and hold her hand to find peace and gain the strength needed to grow. I am still in a deep process of undoing this and have come to embrace it and expand around it with love.
For me it's less like an onion and more like a tangled ball of string. You pull it and it gets snagged and then there may be a bow that turns into a knot and distracts you for a while. It takes love and care to get the knot out. That is where I am with those parts and check to see if this connects to your heart and feels right. If not find something that takes you deeper for your own growth and transformation knowing it is you and all you know who will benefit from doing this work.
Inventory is all good until you find the mismatched parts the old broken parts and the outdated parts. It has taken me so long (about 37 years) to really feel good inside myself just being with myself and not moving. I don't care to win a popularity contest and have totally let that go. What a relief to make it up this mountain. And I can say this and be totally honest which does make me proud to see my growth. Can you see this in yourself a part of you that you have let go of and replaced it with a more confident aspect of your being? If not no need to worry it does take time and is perfect in its own way. (that may annoy you and in some way it's meant to)
In this circle there was tension, love, connection, sisterhood, compassion even some fear and playfulness. (I do have to keep it right there as there is a tight confidentiality that goes with this) For me while in the circle I went though a few levels of myself. Confident, then what I thought grounded then to tears acknowledging myself in the women in the group. I am still amazed that I was able to celebrate all that is happening right now being totally raw. By letting go of what I thought I was to be and seeing that my journey is taking a turn in a new direction it is up to me to get even more clarity in order to steer myself better when the waters get choppy which just is the gift of being alive to see all we have learned on the way. How else would we know if our tools work or need a little grease?
Before I share the the light I feel compelled to share some of my tougher awakenings. This is the harder part and the more interesting to chew on (not so juicy to share as it is to read). Having to honor boundaries in general and was told again and again, letting go of a trademark that was hurting me and I ignored input from others (I finally got it), failing slow and dragging it out, being rejected over and over again and learning to love it, told I am too masculine, people not getting me and feeling the pain until I was done with it, being in my fourth car accident, taking pay less than my value, saying goodbye to an important mentor in my life, be honest to honor myself and the possibility of hurting others while doing it (not wanting to that all), fighting for my husband's life in the hospital and not sure the outcome, seeing that I still have to work my relationship to money. (this one is the hardest to admit)
Here is my inventory of success(both sides are really success pending on how you look at it) this year. I am grateful and appreciate how I have become even more in love with myself, give from a deep sense of my heart, ask for help and know it will show up, be available, trust my part in life, leading the team of doctors and nurses with respect to care for my husband, having a forward to my upcoming book written by one of my teachers and mentors, writing for the Huffington Post, finding peace in being a woman, sharing my gifts with the world with a deeper sense of compassion, being as big as I am meant to be, being surrounded by loving people who love me for being me, touching thousands around the globe with my teachings, selling my DVDs to Whole Foods, expanding my circle of influence, Moving from negotiating into collaboration, finding peace with being a woman, loving men, giving up emasculation of men and woman, sharing my love of business and yoga to entrepreneurs, seeing I am in partnership with every person I connect with, being open to feedback and making the changes fast, the importance of being grateful, tying up loose ends, taking imperfect action, being available, showing up and proud to be a recovering perfectionist.
I can go on and will stop so you can take a moment to contemplate and find your lists. Be kind, honest and know in this process you are transforming.
I want to hear your top 4-5 ways you are grateful for this year in your growth sharing the darker moments and the lighter moments. From this find what you will focus on to improve and learn the tools in 2010 to do.
Your partner in transformation,
(leave your comments here I love reading them)
Hillary Rubin - Global Yoga Authority & Leader of The Wellness Revolution
In 1996 at the height of her career, Hillary Rubin was diagnosed with MS (Multiple Sclerosis). Instead of succumbing to the condition and allowing it to limit her possibilities, she chose to find and use all-natural remedies that led her to be symptom-free and medication-free today.
As a highly respected leader in the health and wellness industry teaching yoga and speaking on empowering modalities for optimal health, she travels around the world to inspire people to transform their deepest challenges and illnesses into opportunities to achieve optimal health, happiness, and well-being. Hillary has been featured by: Fit TV, Yoga Journal, Fit Yoga, American Fitness, Todays Dietitian, Real Woman on Health, and Lime.com.