10 Real Tales from My Sleep-Deprived Mommy Brain

Almost weekly, I jump out of the shower with shampoo still in my hair because I think I hear my kids crying.

Lack of sleep can make you a crazy person.

I would know. My twin 2-year-olds never seem to want to sleep. I don’t get it. Sleep is the best! (Says every parent ever).

My husband and I were cocky after sleep training our twins at 5 months. With the exceptions of teething or sickness, our babies slept 8 p.m. to 8 a.m. And then toddler beds happened and we never slept again.

After 5 months, my Lily is finally back to her good sleeping habits. Teddy has yet to completely sleep through the night in his toddler bed. And nap strike is in full effect.

When my babies were first born, we were in survival mode and the newness of these little people kept us going on limited sleep. Two years in, the lack of sleep has made me a lunatic. Here are 10 very real moments from my sleep-deprived,mommy brain.

1. When Kristen Bell’s character in “Bad Moms” says she daydreams about getting in a minor car accident so she could spend some alone time in the hospital, I FELT LIKE SHE WAS SPEAKING MY TRUTH. I have thought about spraining my ankle or coming down with an intense flu that involved being hospitalized with an IV just so that I could rest. Do I actually want to be injured or deathly ill? No. But, again, lack of sleep makes you a CRAZY PERSON and I would be lying if I didn’t fantasize about these things every so often.

2. Almost weekly, I jump out of the shower with shampoo still in my hair because I think I hear my kids crying. They’re in preschool. They’re not even home. I’m a lunatic.

3. I find weird things in the fridge. Hairspray, soap, cereal. I’m not sure if I put them there or my 2-year-olds.

4. While sleep deprived, I have fantasized about being J. Lo or Beyonce. Not for the clothes or fame or millions, but for their teams of nannies and housekeepers. The idea of having a weekend off parenting every once in awhile sounds so, so appealing when all you want to do is have a good night’s sleep.

5. One time I picked up a delicious In-N-Out burger and fries from the drive-thru for lunch. I was so excited about getting the babies down for a nap and eating my animal style goodness in silence. The kids fell asleep, I went downstairs, opened the bag and THEY. FORGOT. MY. BURGER. They only put in my fries. I swear, I cried. I also thought for a moment about leaving my children alone, driving five minutes down the street, getting my burger and returning home. Don’t worry, CPS, I would NEVER actually do that. But I thought about it.

6. I have pulled the car out of the garage multiple times while wearing no shoes.

7. OK, so this one isn’t entirely my fault. I think. One day I had a handyman over who locked the door going from our house to the garage. I never lock this door because our laundry is in the garage and I’m constantly in and out. Maybe he told me he locked the door and I forgot. Maybe he never told me. I’ll never know for sure. Anyway, you guessed it, I locked myself out of the house with my 2-YEAR-OLDS IN THE HOUSE. They were watching TV and had no idea I was locked out. I had no phone or shoes and I forgot to switch the hide-a-key when we moved. I show up to a neighbor’s house, sobbing and barefoot asking to use their phone. Anyhoo, the firefighters arrived within minutes, were able to climb in through an open window upstairs and all was fine. I’ll never know for sure if it was my mommy brain or the handyman at fault.

8. On the very rare occasion that I went out to a bar with my friends, I pulled out my kid’s insurance card when I was carded at the door. I’m so lame.

9. I go upstairs to do something. I never know what that something is.

10. When my kids are finally asleep, all I want to do is snuggle their tiny bodies and squish their chubby cheeks. It takes everything I have to contain myself and not go in their rooms. I know, I’m insane. Parenthood really messes with you.