Let it be known that April 20, 2016 was the day that rainbows ruined our food. Perhaps it was the 420 weed clogging the interweb's perception, but ever since that day Instagrammable insults to beloved snacks spun out of control disrespecting flavor, tradition and good taste.
To start, my Facebook feed was assaulted with a multi-colored pizza nightmare resembling what would happen if you put a clown in a blender. This me brought flashbacks of the bright bagel sacrilege from a few weeks ago. Within an hour, my blood began to boil as photos of lattes and grilled cheese screaming "ROY G BIV!" confirmed the trend.
What I don't understand is why some of our most beloved and classic foods are getting tarted up. I mean, mashed potatoes and lima beans - sure, they could use some glittery marketing, but why would one mess with the pure perfection of melted cheese? That old saying "If it ain't broke don't fix it," should not be misinterpreted as "Adding unicorn vomit will make it better."
Savory foods shouldn't cover the Pantone spectrum. Think about it - if you could actually eat a rainbow, would it taste like garlic or cotton candy? After giving this careful consideration I've come up with the definitive list of acceptable rainbow foods:
- Ices (Preferably Gino's or Marino's, but I won't get too nitpicky on the brand)
- Italian Rainbow Cookies
- Sprinkles (With wax as an ingredient, are they even classified as "food"?)
- Cake (As a rule, cake should be festive)
- Skittles (Reluctantly, as I blame them for the whole "Taste the Rainbow" thing)
- Fruit Loops
- Fruity Pebbles (Though Cocoa Pebbles will always be better)
- Fruit Stripe gum (The gum whose flavor disappeared after 2.4 seconds, giving a generation of '80s kids their first major let down and trust issues)
- All candy. (Except those multi-colored candy canes. Those will never be ok.)