I'm single and looking for hot sex. Not exactly unique, and there are apps and websites catering to meet ups for that fulfillment -- if it were only that simple. Unfortunately, I want lasting, long term, monogamous, smoldering, rip off the clothes, buttons flying, can't get enough, lusty and regular sex.
And I have the audacity to want to be in love, to boot.
Am I seeking the carnal unicorn?
Many couples in long term relationships state that the sex began steamy but eventually settled into a comfortable alliance where frequency and high intensity were replaced with love-making that was less fevered and more routine. Sounds rather soothing, like that ratty bathrobe I can't throw away or the chicken pot pie I make when craving comfort food. I don't want my pairing to become the sexual equivalent of my weekly trip to the grocery store. I know where everything is and meander down each aisle catatonically placing the same items in my basket week after week.
Psychotherapist Ester Perel, in her wildly popular TED Talk, began with these questions, "So why does good sex so often fade even for couples who continue to love each other as much as ever, and why does good intimacy not guarantee good sex, contrary to popular belief? Can we want what we already have? And why is the forbidden so erotic? What is it about transgression that makes desire so potent?"
Perel has traveled the globe and discovered, "everywhere that romanticism has entered there seems to be a crisis of desire." She identifies two fundamental needs in sustaining desire in committed relationships: security and predictability on one side, adventure and novelty, the other. Those needs must be reconciled. "Crisis of desire is often a crisis of the imagination."
Hello! Now we're getting somewhere. If a couple wants to keep it hot or relight that fire, they have to get creative. Perel, in her book Mating In Captivity suggests, as one option, couples set up private email accounts strictly for sexual dialog. "The erotic mind is not very politically correct."
It's an interesting suggestion, and I thought about how technology, far beyond email, has enhanced amorous expression: phone sex, sexting, Skype, Gchat with or without video, FaceTime and there's always Snapchat, for the cautiously erotic. There's even a vibrator that can be controlled with an app.
Wait. What?
The We-Vibe 4 Plus is a couples vibrator that can be worn during sex but works for solo fun, as well. The earlier version was touted by one sexpert as the "marriage saver." The latest model goes a bit further. With a quick synch to a Bluetooth enabled smartphone and a little creative planning, someone in a galaxy far, far away could be driving that machine. Imagine the possibilities. Slow day at work? No problem. Shoot your partner a text: Wearing the WV, wanna play? You're feeling frisky but you or your paramour is on the road? Even across the globe? No worries. This clever device makes it possible for couples to have an erotic and interactive connection far beyond phone sex or sexting.
Who knows what the future of this wonder toy or others like it could be? Imagine if Bluetooth flight restrictions were lifted? Long plane rides wouldn't be so arduous with your lover sending you off with the ultimate bon voyage. That reclined seat resting on your knees would become irrelevant, and screaming babies? White noise.
I will absolutely add new technology to my arsenal of ways to "cultivate eroticism," as Ester Perel suggests. When my illusive unicorn shows up, I'll be ready to contribute my share of playfulness, imagination and creativity to keep it as steamy on our last day of fooling around, as it was on our first. Oh yes, I will.