Ted Cruz Kidnaps Justice Scalia's Body, Ben Carson Reanimates It

Sen. Ted Cruz, seeking to prevent President Obama's appointment of a successor to Justice Antonin Scalia, kidnapped the judge's body from a local cemetery yesterday in an attempt to reanimate the former justice.

Working under the glazed-over eyes of Dr. Ben Carson, Cruz used Aldehyde-stabilized cryopreservation to fill Scalia's brain with chemicals. The brain was then cooled to -135 degrees Celsius and electrified. During the process, Scalia's disembodied voice was heard to yell, "What a stupid argument," and the Scalia court was reborn.

Cruz plans to cart Scalia to regular Monday meetings of the justices so the undead jurist can vote on cases as the original framers intended. "His being dead makes his thinking closer to our founding fathers' current mindset," explained Carson, helpfully.

Justice Clarence Thomas underwent the same process shortly after he joined the Court in 1991. When Thomas asked a question of a litigant earlier this week, after being silent on the bench for more than 20 years, his operation was finally deemed a success.