MILWAUKEE (Goodyear Satire Company) --
Sen. Ted Cruz is "strutting his stuff" today after The National Enquirer claimed Cruz had extramarital affairs with five different women. "I'd be astonished if I could sleep with five women," Cruz bragged, "Much less five living women."
The credibility of The National Enquirer has altered the perception of Cruz overnight, from Senate outcast to Latin Lover. "Before I saw those offset beady eyes and thought it might be bad plastic surgery," gushed voter Tamryn Carr of Waukesha, "But now I look at that asymmetrical face and I see hot."
Indeed, #LoveMeTed is trending on Twitter and Cruz's Tinder picture has been swiped right more than 10,000 times today. Grindr refused to provide figures; its spokesman merely chuckled.
Cruz was initially surprised by all the attention. "My wife only does the deed because its in our prenup," explained Cruz. "But with this publicity, I might get an extra one in this fiscal quarter."
Molly Hanrahan, beauty expert at GQ. explains Cruz's new attractiveness. "Its the power thing. Ted should really capitalize on this before he gets trounced by Hillary. After that, he's dead meat."
Never one to miss an opportunity, Cruz has already licensed a line of marital aids called "Lie With Ted." He's likely to run into some difficulties marketing the items as Donald Trump earlier this week trademarked the term "Lyin'Ted".
Trump is angered by all the positive attention flowing Cruz' way. "What good is planting a story in the media," Trump complained, "If it only enhances the reputation of your opponent?"
Indeed, a new story on Enquirer Online claims that Trump bedded six hotter women just last night.