This insanely obvious satirical news item first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.
LAC DU SAUCISSE PETIT, MICHIGAN -- The controversy over an ESPN host's tweets that called President Donald Trump, among other things, "the most ignorant, offensive president of my lifetime" and "white supremacist who has largely surrounded himself w/ other white supremacists" continues to swirl, and now a conservative former celebrity and alleged musician has offered to step in and try to smooth things over.
On Monday, Jemele Hill, who is an African American contributor and host for the sports network wrote a series of tweets blasting Trump. Hill has never withheld her opinion of Trump much, but Monday's tweets marked a more direct and hostile tone. Though Hill has apologized for the comments reflecting on ESPN, she has not backed away from them completely, issuing a statement that called the tweets her "personal beliefs." Outrage on the right has grown, culminating in Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, from her podium in the briefing room, calling for Hill to be fired by ESPN.
This morning, Ted Nugent, who recent was seen with luminary American intellectuals like Sarah Palin and Kid Rock at the White House, reached out from his home in Michigan, and made an offer to Ms. Hill that he called an "olive branch of peace" that "even the most libtarded of libtards can't refuse."
"I would like to take this opportunity to extend an olive branch of peace so awesome even the most libtarded of libtards can't refuse," Nugent said in a blog post, "and that is to teach Ms. Jemele Hill how to speak with respect and civility toward a sitting president. Polite society has to follow some kind of decorum, after all."
Nugent said that he has "no beef" with Hill criticizing the president. His issue with her comments is that they were "over the top, extreme, and nearly treasonous."
"I'm sorry," Nugent wrote, "but it's just beyond the pale to call President Trump a white nationalist, or to imply that he thinks white people are better than non-whites. He doesn't think it. He knows it. But that's not the point. The point is that Jemele was very rude and insensitive to President Trump, and that just cannot be tolerated."
In his blog post, Nugent offers to coach Hill and teach her some of the most "effective and more importantly appropriate" ways to criticize a president.
"Instead of calling him a white supremacist," Nugent wrote, "why didn't she just tell Trump to suck on her machine gun? Who knows, if she had just said that, maybe five years later she'd have gotten to visit the White House with a musician somehow more washed-up and irrelevant than me and an actual human carbuncle with glasses and tits who served one half of one term as governor and now pretends she actually knows how to run a government."
Nugent also suggested that Hill change her vocabulary of insults.
"Instead of calling him racist," Nugent said, "how about calling him a sub-human mongrel?"
Mr. Nugent thinks Hill also missed another opportunity for "true civility and respect" in her tweets.
"You know, she could have called for Trump to be tried for treason and hung," Nugent wrote, "but nooooooooooo! She couldn't even bring herself to do that. And if she expects to ever get gooder at this trolling a president thing, she's got to be more racist, more violent, and frankly more disgusting. Sorry. Gotta call 'em like I see 'em."
Ms. Hill had not responded to Nugent's offer at the time of publication.
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