Well my special friends, the time has truly come to bid our teen moms farewell forever and ever until next season.
Last week's reunion taught us that if you have unprotected sex, you will get an STD. This week, we learn that cheaters never prosper ... unless you count the checks that MTV cuts 'em.
LEAH
Thanks to the Robbie scandal, Leah really didn't come out on top (heh) this season. And while we can't condone the bone, what's revealed at the reunion may make it a bit more ... understandable?
Yes, Leah's in the wrong for being unfaithful a week before vowing to love, cherish and avoid banging anyone who isn't her husband. But you know what else is wrong? Barely touching Leah for a month and watching a whole lot of, like, "Trailer Girlz Gone Wild" or "Coal Miner's Naughty Daughter" porn instead, Corey. Leah thinks that was cheating, too.
Even Dr. Drew can see -- or at least diagnose -- why Leah checked her morals (and her pants) at the door. She felt "abandoned," he explained. Being "abandoned" means that even though you did something bad, it's someone else's fault. It is a very handy thing to feel.
"I needed to feel like I was loved," she tells Dr. Drew. "I'm not making any excuses for it. We'd go to bed, and he would turn the other way, and I was crying till 3 o'clock in the morning, saying 'Please be lovey with me?' And it didn't matter to him." So when she saw the naked ladies on her TV, it was the straw that made the camel hookup with its ex.
As Leah explains all this, she can barely keep her composure. It's obvious that she still loves Corey. (We also know this because Dr. Drew asks, "Do you still love Corey," and she says yes.) So why rush into the divorce? "I was afraid that if I didn't take the first step ... I'd lose the kids." Though the cheating was selfish, it seems the divorce was an act of selflessness.
Now it's time to get the great scholar Corey on stage to join the chat -- and shockingly, his story is slightly different than Leah's. As he tells it, "in three years, she went back to Robbie every three to six months." That didn't make Corey feel sexy or "lovey." Plus, he was so tired from work. Plus, one day they had a fight because he brought home beef hot dogs when Leah wanted pork and chicken. (Nobody understands this, but it seems like a totally normal issue.)
Speaking of wieners, let's talk about sex stuff again. What's with the explicit portrayal of naughty subject matter, Corey? "At least whenever I get in the mood I watch porn and don't go out and get it," Corey the Martyr announces.
Since Dr. Drew is obviously not listening, he asks the couple why reuniting isn't worth it. "You can only take so many blows to the face before you're knocked out," Corey explains. Leah launches into her Minnie Mouse squeaky cry thing and is "really sorry" for, you know, breaking up their family.
Then, Dr. Drew says something that goes against everything we learned from anyone we've ever talked to: "Cheating is not a fatal blow to a relationship, Corey."
Because there are "a couple kids involved" (and 'cause it'd look damn good if he could reverse a divorce in the next 20 minutes), Dr. Drew thinks Corey needs to get over the whole "not feeling safe" thing and try to move back to a good place with Leah.
"I could risk it, but what's gonna happen if it happens again? I've been depressed for freaking like, forever now. It hurts. I don't know what to do," Corey bleats with tears in his eyes. They both agree that seeing a therapist couldn't hurt ... especially if the therapist is sooo naughty.
CHELSEA
Dr. Drew is really being sexually explicit tonight. He introduces the Leopard Queen by saying: "Chelsea's life has been all about the comings and goings of Aubrey's dad, Adam." Then, everyone in the audience or maybe just me shouted, "That's what SHE said!" and we laughed so much.
So, what is their status?
Chelsea's mouth: "We get along now, and we're just like civil! We don't know what's going to happen!"
Chelsea's eyes: "We're broken up. Ask me another question and I'll slit your throat."
But Dr. Drew can't leave well enough alone. "So, you hook up?" Chelsea looks horrified ... because it's obviously true. "If you're still hooking up and you're not together, that's a mistake, right?" Oh silly Dr. Drew. Welcome to 99.9 percent of relationships ever.
What's keeping them from being together, besides Adam's general awfulness? "He'll go out with his friends when I want to stay home, and all the little stuff becomes big stuff," Chelsea explains. "So you get clingy and don't trust him going out with his buddies, because he cheated on you ... and you cheated on him?" Way harsh, Dr. D.
Now it's time to hash out years of resentment and suffering in front of the world and a studio audience of some people MTV found rooting through the trash out back!
Turns out, Adam and Chelsea have been cheating "at" each other -- and though Adam hopped on the good foot and did the bad thing a "handful" of times, Dr. Drew has a singular obsession with Chelsea's indiscretions. Though Adam always looks exactly the same, Dr. Drew is convinced he can actually see Adam's pain. He wants to explore the emotion Adam has been hiding under facial hair and unfortunate tribal tattoos.
Adam's pain "hurts pretty good" because Chelsea pawed at one of his high school buddies twice; but "a week recenter," Adam did the same thing. It's all very confusing, but just assume that there's a lot of friends being poked, and we're not talking about Facebook.
Still, somehow, they are "good" right now. Adam says he loves her, gives her a kiss and then wipes all the makeup off his face. "Even though we do have fights, everybody fights. It's gonna be good," he says and reminds Chelsea that he's not going anywhere. Well done, Dr. Drew. Chelsea should totally end up with the dude who once told her, in a fit of text rage, that he wished she had aborted their child. He is just 2 cute 4 words!