Ten Little Republicans

Ten little Republicans, all in a line,

discussing foreign policy one at a time.

They lambaste Obama as socialist slime

inadvertently refuting intelligent design.

They all agree that the Islamic threat

is even more fearful than the national debt.

They couldn't tell Shia from Sunni, I'll bet.

But the sight of an imam sure makes them sweat.

Take Mister Pizza, long-shot Herman Cain,

who won't appoint Muslims during his reign.

His colleagues won’t call this idea insane.

Bigotry's the new normal in this year's campaign.

Mitt Romney believes New START’s a mistake.

He'd "double Guantanamo," for goodness sake.

His other beliefs, ugh, what drugs does he take?

It's a foreign policy that only Heritage could make.

Tim Pawlenty is tougher than all of the rest.

He'd take on all bullies at our country's behest,

like America's a sheriff in the old Wild West

or a pumped-up version of Father Knows Best.

We are Number One, Rick Santorum agrees:

Yet all President Obama does is appease.

Impose a gay sex and abortion freeze

and export intolerance, he loudly decrees.

Then there's the ever-quotable Newt

Subtlety was never his strongest suit

Such idiocies render his other policies moot.

Bachmann and Israel are joined at the hip

Maybe she'll even change her citizenship

I hope her campaign will just be a blip

and the frequent, embarrassing slip of the lip.

Sarah Palin has also drunk the tea.

Even the right doubts her candidacy.

Everything she says Dems quote happily,

like confusing her porch with a foreign policy.

Jon Huntsman's a diplomat, that's all to the good.

He speaks Mandarin, which all of us should.

But speak Republican? I'm not sure that he could.

He'll try tilting right to make us forget where he's stood.

Gary Johnson worries about the money we've spent.

Given a chance he'd privatize all government!

Back to the Gilded Age, that's his intent.

Ron Paul also lives on the libertarian fringe,

opposing our excessive militarist binge.

His views on the UN and on taxes make me cringe.

But other Reps now also have an anti-war tinge:

These hawks in doves’ clothing just for the day

only this president's wars will they ever naysay.

Once in the White House, they'd announce "Bombs away."

With the victims and taxpayers the ones left to pay.

The president is rightly critiqued from the left

for ignoring huge gobbets of financial theft,

for not cutting away at the Pentagon's heft,

for wars that leave countries completely bereft.

From this Republican field, there's nothing to fear.

Their foreign policy is anything but clear.

With the economic recovery yet to appear,

don't expect much global talk in the election next year.

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