CLEVELAND: Goodyear Satire Co--
In sports news, the NRA Finals ended in victory as the Senate blocked four gun control measures supported by a 70% minority of the American people, who will continue to be slaughtered 50 at a time.
"They will die knowing the constitutional rights of foreign terrorists have been preserved," boasted Donald Trump, speaking from the NRA's front pocket, "Just as our forefathers intended."
"The Democrats played their bleeding hearts out," complimented Terrorist Forward Wayne Lapierre. "But there'll have to be more carnage than 49 people before we permit our Senators to infringe the rights of the lunatic fringe."
The Senate will now wait until the next greatest mass shooting in American history before it fails again. "That should be next week," predicted Homeland Insecurity Chief Jeh Johnson.
"We're like the Washington Generals playing against the Harlem Globetrotters," complained every Democrat. "But as long as we put up the good fight, we'll get reelected," they chanted in unison. "We're cool with that."