Washington, D.C. - Lawmakers are still incensed over yesterday's appearance by prop comedian Gallagher before a House Subcommittee on Horticulture and Organic Agriculture. The Subcommittee's chairwoman, Democratic Representative Susan Juniper, had invited Gallagher to offer expert testimony, based on "his extensive knowledge of fruits and vegetables," and the comedian was happy to take time off from his I'm Still Smashing Things With a Large Wooden Mallet World Tour.
Gallagher began his testimony with a philosophical question about why light switches are marked "on" and "off" and then said loudly, "You want testimony? I'll give you testimony! I'm MAD AS HELL!" With that, Gallagher produced a large wooden mallet with which he proceeded to smash oranges, apples, heads of lettuce, and melons of different sizes, followed by containers of large curd cottage cheese.
The food debris sprayed many of the politicians seated in the front row of the subcommittee, prompting honeydew-splattered Republican Representative Darryl Pincher to request that Gallagher leave. Ms. Juniper, who was wearing protective rain gear and goggles, insisted that Gallagher stay and smash a wedding cake, a Weebles Tree House, and an ice sculpture of Fiorello LaGuardia.
Later, Representative Pincher said, "I can't believe that a man known for smashing fruit with a large wooden mallet would smash fruit with a large wooden mallet. It's just outrageous. Outrageous! I am both shocked and appalled in equal measures." Congressman Peter Dellamonte added, "This was a complete waste of time. Why can't we get some real experts, like the kids from Glee? They're so cute and talented."
News reporters and pundits across the country were equally displeased with Gallagher's testimony. "It's inconceivable that this kind of stunt can get so much coverage while the important work of the House Agricultural Subcommittee is virtually ignored," said Wilma Lydecker of CNN, which will air a four-hour special, Gallagher and the Subcommittee Stunt: How Much Coverage Is Too Much?, followed by round-the-clock footage of Lindsay Lohan in her car, listening to iTunes.
"Gallagher's appearance has brought national attention to an oft-ignored issue," says Juniper, whose subcommittee will host upcoming witnesses Carrot Top, Popeye the Sailor, Bob the Tomato, Larry the Cucumber, Junior Asparagus, and the corpse of Johnny Appleseed.