A yuge thank you to CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, ABC, CBS, and NBC and all the dishonest media for giving me billions of dollars worth of free airtime to broadcast my Trump for President campaign. It was really nice of you to repeat my name so much (“repetition builds reputation,” as we marketers like to say).
This airtime was made even more valuable precisely because you played along with my plan and kept talking only about the crazy things I was saying without demanding my tax returns or offering voters any detailed analysis of my ties to Russia, debts to foreign countries, massive conflicts of interest, or how my policies would make things so much worse for 99% of the population.
Thanks, too, for not dwelling on what Mike Pence actually thinks of women and the gays. (People would have really freaked out!)
All this media coverage of how ridiculously unacceptable I was only reinforced my reputation as a “truth-teller” with my target audience, which I define as people who view “expertise,” “qualifications” and “minorities” with a healthy dose of suspicion!
People tell me I still lost the popular vote to a girl and got less votes than Mitt Romney, but that doesn’t matter. Right now I feel like the biggest winner ever! It’s a feeling I’ve only felt six times before, right before each of my bankruptcy filings.
I’d like to also thank the GOP, ALEC and the Koch Brothers for the multi-year investment you made in rigging the system to ensure the triumph of my will. Specifically, the passage of Citizens United, your unprecedented gerrymandering to ensure losing the popular vote wouldn’t cost Republicans control of the House in 2012 and, of course, the terrific new voter suppression laws that made all the difference this year in states from North Carolina to Wisconsin.
Finally, I’d like to thank all the voters who invested all of their hopes and dreams in me despite Little Marco’s warning I’m a con artist, Lying Ted’s claim I’m a pathological liar, and Speaker Ryan’s acknowledgment that I’m a textbook racist.
One of the hallmarks of the Trump brand is I’ve always been terrific at making people buy what I’m selling at least once. Usually, I make a big promise, collect the cash, and skip town as fast as possible. It worked with Trump Steaks, Trump Airlines, Trump Vodka, Trump Ice, Trump Magazine, Tour de Trump and Trump University. I’m just happy to know that even scamming so many war widows, single moms and seniors out of thousands of dollars at a fake University wasn’t enough to stop so many of you from voting for me. And this time, you’re stuck with me for four whole years!