Thanks But No Thanks: Kill This Turkey

The Democratic National Committee made news this holiday season when it published "Your Republican Uncle," a helpful guide offering "the perfect response" to "the most common myths spouted by your family members who spend too much time listening to Rush Limbaugh."

While it's nice to see the DNC making news for something other than squelching candidate debates, it's worrisome that they're the ones carrying this important message. After all, the party's influence has waned considerably. Nowadays, liberal activists take their cues from trusted blogs and Internet news aggregators, like the Huffington Post. (Shameless, I am!)

So in that spirit, and after an hour of painstaking research, we reveal what many progressives really think about the holiday.

Thanksgiving is a lie:

"Like most national holidays, Thanksgiving is a myth. It does the powerful political work of encouraging American Exceptionalism." Chauncey Devega, Salon.com

Thanksgiving celebrates genocide:

"It is the season of fables, of rewritten history, of colored feathers bought in bulk from a craft store, of paper bag clothing, of teepees, and your versions of pow wows. You call this Thanksgiving; we call this the National Day of Mourning." Martie Simmons, member of Ho-Chunk Nation, Indian Country Today, reprinted by Meteor Blades, DailyKos.com

"And it will take more than a holiday contrived by historians and the authors of text books to heal the wounds that have existed between the races for 400 years." Tim Giago, Native American Journalists Association, Huffington Post

America is terrible:

"In many ways, Thanksgiving is a celebration of gluttony, sports, nationalism, militarism and waste. While some of the poor and homeless may be fed for a day, the institutions and structures that create income inequality and joblessness remain untouched." Chauncey Devega, Salon.com

Your relatives are terrible:


"And so, this Thanksgiving, millions of white people like me will continue that other tradition, of joking with our friends about our Racist Uncle who watches Fox News and supports Whichever Horrible Politician is popular that year." Joe Montgomery, Salon.com

The food is terrible, too:

"The traditional Thanksgiving spread resembles the scene of a medical emergency: vegetable casseroles that appear predigested; starches mashed into shapeless slop; lumpy red gelatin oozing around fleshy cuts of meat." Amanda Hess, Slate.com

...and such small portions:

"This Thanksgiving, in dining rooms across America, the turkey will be smaller, the stuffing more meager, the pumpkin pie sliced thinner." Leo W. Gerard, Huffington Post

Little to be thankful for:

"But unless we grew it ourself, almost every single morsel of food on our Thanksgiving table was produced by workers who, under federal law and most state laws, lack rights to collective bargaining, overtime pay, worker's compensation without fear of retaliation, and other basic rights enjoyed by other American workers." Jennifer S. Hirsch, Huffington Post

No more parades:

"Macy's Thanksgiving Parade is an ingenious and sinister technique.... The glitz and glamor of this three-hour pomp pageant is a devious plot to divert the average consumer from the cold reality of the Parade's embodiment of the invasive materialism that persistently plagues Christmas season." Sam Corey, Huffington Post


"Stop the Parade! Should we be wasting our dwindling supply of helium on floating cartoon characters?" Headline, Miriam Krule and Noam Prywes, Slate.com

No thanks:

"And when I read the command 'Be Thankful,' I instinctively resist--rebel against, even--this demand of my gratitude." Kevin Stevens, Salon.com

We know, Kevin. We know.