That Awkward Moment When You Realize Pole Dancing Is Not for You

About five years ago, I was in the best physical condition I had ever been in my life. I was very confident about myself and I was becoming a bored fitness buff who needed to shake up my fitness routine. I stayed abreast of all the fitness crazes, classes and new workout routines, and I started to take a keen interest in the art of pole dancing. I never told anyone how badly I desired to try it and become good at it. It was my little secret that I kept to myself. For a year, I watched videos on YouTube endlessly. I knew the names of some of the top pole dancers in the world. They were amazing and I admired their athleticism, endurance, bravery and technique. I read every article on all the benefits of pole dancing: increased confidence, a full-body workout, weight loss, expressing yourself artistically, etc. No need to convince me. I was already sold. I had taken dance for years and although I'm not the best dancer, I surely am not the worst. I got this.

My mind became consumed with thoughts of all the cool routines I could do, what songs I would use, and amazing costumes I could create for shows in the future. I would have free flowing confidence and sexiness. I didn't tell anyone about my aspirations, but I knew in my heart that this would become the fitness routine shake up that I desperately needed. I finally decided to try it out. I searched online for the studio that I felt was right for me. I paid for a four class package that included some killer pole dancing stilettos. Look at how committed I was! I made sure my bag was packed with everything the website stated you would need. I arrived to the class 15 minutes early. I had never been more ready for anything in my life.

The instructor came in, gave an introduction and turned on the music. In my mind I screamed, "Oh yeah, babbbby! That's my jam!" and next thing you know I was on the floor with five other women. Then I experienced that very awkward moment when I realized that I was very, very, very shy about isolating my butt cheeks in public. Who knew one could be shy about such things? Who knew I was even shy! Whenever you take a class, there are always three groups of people: 1) The ones that get it right away, 2) the ones that don't get it right away, but aren't making complete fools of themselves, and then 3) the person who just doesn't get it, looks ridiculous, makes the instructor work for their money and leaves you wondering why they ever signed up in the first place. I belonged to category three.

I was trying so hard to hold back the laughter inside of me when I looked at the faces of the instructor and my classmates as they watched me be as graceful as a grizzly bear on roller skates. My instructor was kind, to say the least. She had to explain things to me multiple times. If only I could pole dance in real life as well as I did in my fantasies. I spent most of the time laughing and barely saving myself from busting my ass. The other girls watched the moves given by the instructor and a few of them did it effortlessly. They swirled around the pole and had confident smiles that they had mastered the basic moves. But not me. Oh no. My mind was telling my body what to do, but my all my body heard was, "gyrate awkwardly." I sucked at this and there was no saving face. It's like when you were in grade school, there was always one kid you picked last to be your kickball team if you were captain. What I'm telling you is that if you had a pole dancing team, you should pick me absolutely last.

It got to the point where the instructor was basically praising me for not falling. I know those classmates felt bad for me, but I found this experiencing to be truly hilariously liberating. There are three words that could describe my short experience as a pole dancer: a hot mess. I left the studio quickly and I just laughed and laughed. I never went back to the studio for the three classes I paid for. I considered it a donation for all the good work they do in the community for people that don't look crazy doing it.

I realized that you're not going to be good at everything and that's okay. At least I can say I tried it and it wasn't for me. I will always enjoy watching people pole dance and I still do on occasion. You could come with all the zeal and zest in the world into something and realize that you're one of those people who'd be better off sitting in the audience, cheering on people who are actually good at these things. I'll leave all future pole dancing to the professionals and those who have at least a little coordination. My husband and I just laughed until we cried as I recalled this experience. In reality, when it comes to pole dancing I need to have several seats. But I know in my mind, I can always be the most bad assed pole dancer to ever live.