I deleted my online dating profile... again. I'm not sure if it was the man that had the "kidnapping/rape scenario" as an idea for a first date, or the guy who ghosted me right before we were to go on our first date after chatting me up on the app's messenger for over a month. No, wait... maybe it was the guy who didn't have a picture (because he likes his privacy) but had a screen name that said "MysteryGuy" with a tag line that read: Can you guess who I am? He messaged me and begged me to just let me see his picture before I dismissed him. So I did. Obviously because of his screen name and tag line I was assuming it was going to be someone famous, or someone extremely interesting like an on-air news personality or a professional athlete. I mean, why else would you say, "can you guess who I am" on an anonymous dating app? It's not like it's your high school's class reunion page on Facebook, it's an anonymous dating app where you use screen names instead of your actual name! And while his profile promised no disappointment upon seeing his pictures... it was, unfortunately, an empty promise. However, props to his mother for instilling a really healthy sense of self-esteem in that guy. Online dating is nothing if not interesting. But for now, we are on a break.
It's been five years since my divorce. Five years of being back in the dating pool. I've dated a lot of great guys, not so great guys, and maybe one sociopath. Here are ten things I've learned about dating post divorce:
1. Dating can be a lot of fun if you don't take it too seriously. For example, I had met a guy who I clicked with on all levels except one. He didn't want kids. Ever. He didn't want to date a woman who had kids. Ever. I have two kids. They aren't going anywhere, but nevertheless we decided that it might be fun to just meet and see what happens. I went into it knowing it wasn't for the long haul. I will always say that one of the best dates I ever had was when this guy took me out on his boat to a private beach where we swam and drank beers all day and laughed and told each other funny stories. It was our second date. We may have had one or two more dates after that, but then it was over. We've sent a few friendly texts over the years, but no harm no foul on either of our parts, because we both knew that just because the relationship wasn't long for this world, it was still worth the experience.
2. A surprising number of men are really insecure. I mean really, really insecure. They don't like to fail and a divorce, to them, is the ultimate failure. So while you may be blossoming post-divorce in your new world full of freedom and choices, they aren't seeing it quite the same way. Mostly. I'm sure there are plenty of men out there who are, deep down, at peace with their divorce, but for the most part, I haven't met too many of them. Women spend a lot of time working on getting themselves right after divorce. Men don't seem to get too introspective.
3. Who has time for dating? I'm currently owned by my employers or by my children depending on the time of day. I can count on one hand the number of free weekends during the year where I don't have a game to be at for one of my children, or possibly a work event. If you are co-parenting with children who play sports, or music or dance or art or any other myriad of activities, then really, when is there time to date or get to know someone to actually start a relationship?
4. Never go out of your way to look great on your first date. Look normal. Look like you. Don't spend money to get all dolled up. I assure you, most people, when you actually meet them in person after seeing them in their profiles, are a slight disappointment. However, if you look like your normal self, and they look like their normal selves, then maybe you two will click. Maybe not. If you do, then turn it up a notch on your second date.
5. A first date should be casual. Never agree to a dinner. I'm so busy that the last thing I want to do is share a meal with someone I don't like. Agree to meet for a drink or coffee. If things go well, then order food and keep the night going, but if they don't, pay for the drink and move on.
6. Long distance is a sham. No way this really works. And by long distance I mean anything over a 5-mile radius from your house. I'm in a happy, co-parenting relationship with my ex. We share custody and live within a few miles of each other. We both see the kids almost every day due to their crazy schedules. This works for our family. And frankly, this works for a lot of other divorced families too. Most of the divorced men I've met are living within a few miles of their exes so their children can have both parents prominently in their lives. Unfortunately, most of the divorced men I've met do not live within a 5-mile radius of me, so we run into the issue of only having 2 simultaneous free hours a week, however that's how long it would take in travel time to see them, so... no. In order for this relationship to actually work, you'd have to blend the families. That means one of you would have to make the bold move of uprooting yourself, and possibly your children, and possibly your ex and possibly their new love interest, in order to make your love interest work. That means new homes, jobs, and schools for everyone! The logistics alone are near impossible. Maybe we'll revisit this when the kids graduate to adulthood.
7. Men are crazy. I know women usually get the bad rap, but men really are off their rockers too. The important thing to remember is to find someone who understands your crazy, and whose crazy meshes well with yours.
8. Don't introduce anyone to your kids. Unless you are so sure (after months and months and months of dating) that this person has the potential to really be a part of your world and their world and you both want to build a life together, then just don't do it.
9. Timing is everything. You can meet your soul mate but if it's at a point in either of your lives where one or both of you can't give it your all (see #3, #6) then it's probably not going to work out. Maybe it will eventually, but realistically, it might have to be shelved for a few years.
10. Don't settle. If you are dissatisfied with all of your choices out there, take a break and just don't date. Who cares if the first question people ask you is "are you dating anyone?" You can say no. It's OK to be single.
Let me repeat that, IT'S OK TO BE SINGLE. Remember that. Good luck out there!