By: Matt Meltzer
You know how miserable it is to fly? The crying babies, the perpetual delays, the fistfights breaking out over reclined seats. Now imagine you did that every... single... day. And you didn't get paid much for it either.
Welcome to the life of a flight attendant, where you may get to travel the world, but you have to do it with all the people who make the world such a miserable place.
Since we've already learned what we're doing to piss off the flight attendant, this time we thought it'd be fun to find out what we're saying to make them equally as irate. We talked to an army of air hosts and uncovered the 21 passenger questions that will absolutely send them off the rails.
1. "Am I going to make my connection?"
Well, let's see... we just collected your empty cup, it's 1:15 p.m., and your connecting flight leaves at 1:20 p.m. Let's shake the old Magic 8 Ball here aaaaaaand... signs point to "No."
2. "Why can't I use the first-class bathroom?"
Because if we let anyone just use it, it wouldn't be the first-class bathroom.
3. "Why do I have to check my bag?"
Simple. This entire plane if full of a**holes who stuffed the overhead bins with winter coats and pet rock collections. Maybe they'll all chip in for your bag fee.
4. "Do you know if this meal is gluten free?"
The answer to this question is always "yes." That "sensitivity" to gluten, it's in your head.
5. "Why isn't there a movie, Wi-Fi, or entertainment?"
Because there's not. If you take a look at our in-flight magazine, however, you'll find a lovely list of America's best steakhouses and a flattering profile of Wichita. We hear Kansas is beautiful this time of year.
6. "Why are we delayed?"
Look out the window. See how the tarmac resembles Lambeau Field in January? Maybe that's why. Maybe.
7. "So, are you in the mile-high club?"
Right now, I'm strangely jealous of the women at the bar who you use such stupid lines on. At least they can smack you.
8. "What are we flying over?"
Brown stuff. Or blue stuff. Or black stuff with yellow dots. One of those.
9. "Will you help me lift my bag?"
Because of workers comp rules we're not allowed to, but a word of advice to help you avoid this problem in the future: CHECK YOUR LARGE BAGS! It only costs $25, and from the smell of your breath, it's clear you just dropped at least that much at the airport bar.
10. "Do you have anything for my child to eat?"
When you booked the flight, did you somehow forgot that your small child needs to dine around this time? Stellar parenting, well done. Have some cheddar stick snack mix.
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