By Rob Fee
This article originally appeared on Playboy.com.
Today's action stars just don't have the same feel of the ones we had in the '80s. Back then it was serious business. You weren't going to be in some YouTube parody video. You were going to blow up bad guys and you were going to insult them from beyond the grave with a straight-faced pun. Are you looking to become a star of the '80s yourself? Here are 12 simple steps that will have you on your way to stopping terrorism and kissing hot babes in no time!
1. First of all, you must swear you're out of the game forever and refuse requests for assistance from your former general who flew in on a military helicopter.
2. Have a close friend or relative you love enough to avenge if they get murdered, because they will always be murdered.
3. Make sure everyone knows that this time your vengeance isn't business; it's personal.
4. Have a technician pause a surveillance video and stare at a figure in disbelief. Mumble, "It can't be." Then inform them the man on the screen is an evil crime lord you thought was dead.
5. When prepping for battle, always finish by tying a bandana around your head with your back to the camera or slowly putting on sunglasses while staring directly into the camera.
6. Practice your karate at night in a foggy area with enough lighting to cast a dramatic silhouette of your moves while a rock power ballad plays in the background.
7. When killing a group of unnamed henchmen who always choose to fight you one at a time for some reason, make sure you always leave one alive to go back and inform his boss that you're coming for him.
8. Even if there's gunfire everywhere, stop everything you're doing after a notable kill to make a pun based on their death. For example, if you kill them with a block of ice, you could say, "You need to cool down" or "ICE to meet you." This is one of the most vital skills you need to practice.
9. If you get shot, it'll always be in the shoulder. But don't worry, that part doesn't hurt. What will hurt is when a hot babe cleans the wound and pours alcohol on it. You'll flinch, but instead of screaming you'll just take another swig from a bottle of whiskey and think about her naked.
10. When you reach your arch nemesis you'll kill all his henchmen, including his silent, yet menacing right hand man, but you'll both run of out ammo and have to settle this with your fists.
11. Your arch nemesis will have the opportunity to kill you, but will instead choose to explain in detail all of his plans and what he's going to do after you're dead. This will give you time to spot the knife or gun that slipped in a crevice just within your reach. Don't you dare think about killing him without yelling out your best murder pun yet.
12. It doesn't matter if there have been no signs of sexual chemistry between you and a female character, or if she's even been in the movie before this point. When you're walking away in slow motion from the exploding enemy headquarters, you must grab a babe and kiss her right on the mouth.
Congratulations! You're now ready to singlehandedly battle domestic and international terroristic threats in 1986!
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