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I guess now we’re all living in those old paintings of people lying around on couches doing nothing with their boobs out— Dana Berger - Actress (@DanaMerylBerger) April 4, 2020
Me: Damn, this is a really long trailer.— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) April 4, 2020
Netflix: Bitch, you’re watching the episode. Surprise.
I hate when I put something in a shopping cart and don’t buy it and the company emails me: “forgot something?” And it’s like yeah I forgot I don’t have money for a $70 sports bra— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) April 6, 2020
Remember when we thought watching Uncut Gems was the most stressed out we’d ever be for at least a couple months— Emily Heller (@MrEmilyHeller) April 9, 2020
No emoji will ever compare with “:/“....they just don’t have the range— dylan (@dylanthegypsy) April 7, 2020
I got off the couch today like some sort of Olympian.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 8, 2020
everything i see someone on tv do i am like “I miss doing that” even if it’s like solving a crime in a library hundreds of years ago— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) April 9, 2020
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?— Roxi Horror 💀🌸 (@roxiqt) April 5, 2020
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I'm learning to cook
so far the quarantine has taught me that I can’t keep Club crackers or sliced brioche in the house. them hoes don’t last 48 hours around here.— king crissle (@crissles) April 8, 2020
Joining Houseparty just taught me a valuable lesson about deleting old contacts— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) April 9, 2020
Just asked my husband what day it is. He's Googling it. I'll get back to you all with the results.— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) April 8, 2020
I’ve decided my new hobby is saying “Sorry, not to be a bitch, but” and then saying a neutral fact. Like, sorry, not to be a bitch but F. Scott Fitzgerald was born in 1896— Karen Chee (@karencheee) April 7, 2020
maybe the bread is baking us— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) April 5, 2020
You never know a person til they name their first kid. You think you have a best friend til this bitch names her kid Euripides Barclay Smith and now you gotta hate her.— amber ruffin (@ambermruffin) April 5, 2020
save your hopes for the next email because I’m not doing well— hermana cain (@ziwe) April 6, 2020
guys will stand 5’8” from you and call it 6 feet— Andrea Long Chu (@theorygurl) April 4, 2020
You can still get pregnant by sexting, the baby just comes out as a tamagotchi so be careful guys— Flora underscore underscore Flora 🦄🦋 (@Flora__Flora) April 6, 2020
I am extremely jealous of flamingos because I, too, want to assume the colour of whatever I eat. Lord make me a beautiful shade of Baja Blast— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) April 8, 2020
Anyone else have grandparents do weird stuff that was explained by the fact that they lived thru the Depression?— jess mcintosh (@jess_mc) April 8, 2020
We’re going to be those grandparents.
“Daddy why is grandma clorox wiping the grocery bags?” “She lived thru COVID honey she doesn’t talk about it.”
I think I’m the kind of reader that Reese Witherspoon is which is like, this book is great but I would like it more if it were a movie starring me— Melissa Lozada-Oliva (@ellomelissa) April 7, 2020
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