The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant and succinct wit. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious musings of 280 characters or less.
Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
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hostess: how many people for your table?
— jo diggity (@WhaJoTalkinBout) December 17, 2019
me: like a trade?
It turns out one of the most upsetting texts to get is just your first name followed by no punctuation or context
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) December 15, 2019
the two kinds of protein bar:
— lauren (@LLW902) December 14, 2019
super-snicker sized and called SHOTGUN KETO KILLA 300G OF KICK ASS TO FUEL YOUR RAGE
or
offwhite helvetica sleeve labeled "prot+"
both taste like peanut butter and toothpaste
Me, drawing little x's and o's on a football field, indicating where I think players should hug and kiss
— winter jerk (@rajandelman) December 17, 2019
9:30
— amber ruffin (@ambermruffin) December 17, 2019
Breakfast
12:30
Lunch
2:30 - 730
A constant, immeasurable flow of increasingly horrible snacks
8:00
Dinner
a girl becomes a woman the night she starts sticking to her skincare routine regardless of how drunk she is
— Sweatpants Cher 🔶 (@House_Feminist) December 15, 2019
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
— Caitlin (@caithuls) December 18, 2019
Debt collector: you have an outstanding bill
— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) December 16, 2019
Me: thank you
call me old fashioned but i believe marriage should be between one dog in a sweater and another dog in a matching sweater
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) December 19, 2019
What if cheesecake tasted like nothing and was stuffed into a stale ice cream cone?? - the inventor of cannolis
— Abbi Holidays Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) December 18, 2019
Drive thru: “Can I have a name for your order?”
— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) December 17, 2019
Me: “George.”
Drive thru: *hands me my food*
Me: *buckles it into the passenger seat*
“Let’s go, George.”
when i'm having a great time at dinner but remember the weird way i pronounced "bolognese" when ordering pic.twitter.com/xAQS5yIHKV
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) December 16, 2019
girls ...... is he really worth your time and energy or does he just have curly hair
— trish (@ULTRAGLOSS) December 18, 2019
It's 8 p.m. on Sunday. Do you know where your anxieties about unpleasant hypothetical situations for the upcoming week are?
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) December 16, 2019
my whole life outside of work is just buying things and then returning them
— Carly Ledbetter (@ledbettercarly) December 17, 2019
There’s always ONE crazy one in the bunch!!! (This tweet is about stovetop burners)
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) December 17, 2019
every holiday gift guide for men:
— Sophie Vershbow (@svershbow) December 16, 2019
-whiskey stones
-record player
-grill accessories
-random book about sports
-bright patterned socks
-beard oil
-cooler with a built-in Bluetooth speaker
-a tool that fits on your keychain
-something made of wood
If anyone needs me, I’ll be disappointing my mother for the rest of the year.
— Jingle Bell Jawbreaker 🎄 (@sixfootcandy) December 18, 2019
I was supposed to go out tonight but I accidentally took off my bra and I don't think I can put it on again if you know what I mean
— jami attenberg (@jamiattenberg) December 20, 2019
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been pic.twitter.com/icsTPFV9Ea
— ᎽᎪᎬᏞ (@elle91) December 16, 2019
