The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant and succinct wit. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious musings of 280 characters or less.
Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
Sign up for our Funniest Tweets of the Week newsletter here.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I've Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
— Kimberly King Parsons (@kkingparsons) December 9, 2019
An animorphs book cover but it’s me turning into my mom
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) December 11, 2019
Things I wanted at ten:
— Sophie Vershbow (@svershbow) December 9, 2019
-mansion
-private jet
-shopping sprees
-to marry prince charming
Things I want at thirty:
-twice-a-month cleaning lady
-refrigerator with a water dispenser
-not awful healthcare
-premium economy on flights over 3 hours
every baby boomer mother describing her millennial daughter pic.twitter.com/7Ic3O0OWxw
— emma lord (@dilemmalord) December 10, 2019
dawg i was 13 changing the HTML codes on my tumblr page like i was a 2000s movie teen hacker but now i can’t be even spell ecxel
— t*na (@puppyporunga) December 7, 2019
U better not fucking bother me while I’m singing songs from A Star Is Born in the bathtub.
— Lili Reinhart (@lilireinhart) December 10, 2019
past me: don’t write this down, you’ll remember it
— madrigal (@whatmaddness) December 11, 2019
present me: you lying BITCH
FIRST EMAIL DRAFT:
— amber ruffin (@ambermruffin) December 9, 2019
You fucked up. Fix it.
THE EMAIL YOU SEND:
Dear, Sir. I do humbly apologize for sending you this email, but do you think it would be ok if, and feel free to say no, but if you have any free time, and again, totally understand if...
She began that day as she began all days--making, immediately forgetting about, and then remaking the same cup of coffee.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) December 9, 2019
i thought i liked seeing movies but turns out i like eating candy in a dark room where it’s illegal to talk to me
— Cara Weinberger (@caraweinberger) December 11, 2019
people are like “astrology is a meaningless human construct” but also “it’s 2 o’clock in the afternoon”
— harantula (@nanpansky) December 6, 2019
Sorry I'm late. I was trying to achieve a shower temperature somewhere between "meh" and "Oh my God I'm boiling alive".
— Ohio mom of two (@OhioMomoftwo) December 12, 2019
always a vibesmaid never a vibe
— hari nef (@harinef) December 10, 2019
7 minutes in heaven but it’s just me at a party sneaking into a closet alone to avoid small talk
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) December 12, 2019
i want what she has pic.twitter.com/yFZ9R1RBEy
— 🦝𝖎𝖒𝖔𝖌𝖊𝖓 (@bjorks_strapon) December 12, 2019
Remember you can do a cartwheel whenever and wherever you want
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) December 11, 2019
I expected adulthood to be like Cheers and it has, in a way, but what I didn’t see coming was the Twin Peaks curveball.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) December 10, 2019
I bought myself a really good gingerbread cookie this morning, saved it all day to eat later, ate it two hours ago, and just spent 5 min looking around my apartment for that cookie I'd been saving. Folks.. marijuana kills
— Jia Tolentino (@jiatolentino) December 11, 2019
Man what the FUCK are poets talking about
— KENDRA (@internetkendra) December 10, 2019
my dad who “didn’t want a cat” showing Lucas every item of the weekly shop because “he wants to see what we’ve got” pic.twitter.com/Uka5eccZZm
— ruby🦎 (@roobeekeane) December 11, 2019
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