The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant and succinct wit. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious musings of 280 characters or less.
Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women below. Then visit our “Funniest Tweets From Women” page for past roundups.
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I miss when I was a kid and my biggest problem was that a rapper didn’t mention my city when he rattled of a verse naming various cities he liked partying in.
— quinta brunson (@quintabrunson) February 18, 2020
I just grabbed the right Tupperware lid on the first try so I guess now I’m in the business of making miracles happen.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) February 18, 2020
In an act of self-care I am removing all mirrors from my home and replacing them with large photos of Laura Dern
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) February 19, 2020
billie eilish, carly rae jepsen, and miley cyrus should form a pop group called billie rae cyrus
— ___ (@RileyRedRose) February 16, 2020
Due to enormous personal flaws I refuse to work on, I will be arriving 20 minutes late with iced coffee, please respect that
— 1984’s George Whorewell (@EwdatsGROSS) February 17, 2020
whenever someone calls me in the middle of texting with them, it's like WAIT BUT MY VOICE'S PANTS AREN'T ON
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) February 16, 2020
trying to write a sentence without an em dash pic.twitter.com/hWhsOsJlN3
— Alison Herman (@aherman2006) February 17, 2020
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
— Aunt Chelle 🌍 🇺🇸 🏳️🌈 (@ravenswng_) February 20, 2020
Going to the farmer's market anybody want any farmers
— Pru (@prufrockluvsong) February 16, 2020
All I want for my birthday is for a wealthy benefactor to bequeath me a sprawling Victorian mansion with a dark and terrible secret
— j̴̢͘҉i̸̢͞z̛̛̀҉͞z̡͞w̶̵̢͜͞i̡͘t̸͝͝c̸͝h̀͏ (@fingerbIaster) February 19, 2020
so funny when people call u back. i was calling u earlier, not now. bye.
— corie johnson (@corietjohnson) February 20, 2020
I don't know who needs to hear this but no one has this range pic.twitter.com/Go2ECpreCM
— siân (@sharnacious) February 18, 2020
Just spent 27 minutes staring at my closet as if I wasn’t about to just put black leggings on.
— Molly England (@bluebonetbabies) February 19, 2020
mary oliver: tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?
— Taylor Trudon (@taylortrudon) February 16, 2020
me: *spends $15 on mozzarella sticks to meet the minimum delivery fee*
Give me a purse so enormous that I can rummage for something, sigh, and climb inside the bag, and then you hear a ding and elevator doors opening.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) February 20, 2020
Made the bed, kept cleaning the apartment, realized I hadn’t seen the cat for a little bit and found him like this pic.twitter.com/ohB7CkmYcM
— Dani Balenson (@dlbee_) February 16, 2020
Men on dating apps are always like “looking for an adventure buddy” and I’m like ugh learn to make friends, don’t make this my problem
— Shalyah Evans (@ShalyahEvans) February 16, 2020
🎶Hiiiiighwaaaay to the 🎶 pic.twitter.com/UgiomE7SSX
— amber ruffin (@ambermruffin) February 19, 2020
Just heard that “you had a bad day” song play on the radio, on the oldies station, which was upsetting for multiple reasons
— Mara “Get Rid of the Nazis” Wilson (@MaraWilson) February 20, 2020
*when I’m doing stuff*
— ⚡️Carly Danger⚡️ (@carlyken) February 21, 2020
me: I wish I didn’t have to do stuff
*when I’m not doing stuff*
me: I should probably do stuff
