The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 280-character musings. To see this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
A woman walked into the gym wearing workout clothes & carrying a full-sized pizza box.— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) January 13, 2019
I think I just found my new personal trainer.
let’s be honest, the Marie Kondo method also applies to people in your life “do they spark joy? any emotion at all? mostly heartburn? then back into the giant mix n mingle you go”— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) January 14, 2019
When you’re at a party and you spend four hours unsure how to leave, that’s called a Brexit.— Kashana (@kashanacauley) January 15, 2019
me when i see drunk girls crying in the bathroom at the club pic.twitter.com/jsGeq97gwF— 𖤐 slipknot superfan ₆⁶₆ (@scorpiobaby666) January 16, 2019
me to my niece:— wikipedia brown (@eveewing) January 17, 2019
i want you to know that even when you have a little brother or sister, you'll always be my special girl.
niece: okay. but let's not tell the new baby that.
the good place season 1: wow someone bad ended up in heaven what a crazy turn of events!— han (@hannahsaund_) January 12, 2019
the good place season 3: There Is No Ethical Consumption Under Capitalism
I refuse to let yall see what i looked like 10 years ago. As far as yall know ive been this fine my whole life.— millie from dumplin stan account (@NikkiCallowayy) January 14, 2019
good morning to everyone but especially the woman in 7-eleven who whispered “fill ‘er up” as she poured coke AND coffee into the same big gulp cup— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) January 15, 2019
Today I learned that possums and opossums are different animals and I gotta tell you, I am beyond furious— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) January 17, 2019
How long is it useful to carb load after a super hard cardio workout? Is the answer 3 years?— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) January 14, 2019
A woman flipped me off today and I rolled down my window and shouted “LOTS OF LOVE. HUMAN BEINGS MAKE MISTAKES” so no I cannot protect you and yes I would probably die in a fight— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) January 16, 2019
i learned how to play the theme from Up on piano so when a party is just too fun i can make everyone really sad— kelly (@kelllicopter) January 17, 2019
baby shark has formed a 2020 exploratory committee— Ariel Edwards-Levy (@aedwardslevy) January 14, 2019
All I want is to be zipped up into one of those baby stroller sleeping bags and carted around Brooklyn— Alex Sujong Laughlin (@alexlaughs) January 12, 2019
I want to see an episode of Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood where Daniel finally remembers he's an apex predator and eats every other character.— Pru (@prufrockluvsong) January 15, 2019
I hurt my neck applying mascara, so obviously I’m in the best physical shape of my life.— Stacey (@skittle624) January 14, 2019
me at work: when i get home i’m gonna do yoga and vacuum the whole house and cook some food— farwz (@farwzz) January 11, 2019
me at home: pic.twitter.com/7fjtXwuAeV
I don't mean to brag, but I just did all five of my dishes IMMEDIATELY after cooking and eating. IMMEDIATELY.— Carly Ledbetter (@ledbettercarly) January 17, 2019
Ghostbusters reboot but it’s just me and a gang of friends getting revenge on men who’ve ghosted ya— Hope Rehak (@HopeRehak) January 17, 2019
isn’t it WILD how some people BAKE BREAD in their HOMES instead of just GOING TO THE GROCERY STORE and BUYING IT and NOT TALKING TO ME ABOUT HOW THEY BAKE BREAD AS IF THEY’RE BETTER THAN ME— Scaachi (@Scaachi) January 16, 2019