The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 280-character musings. To see this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
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jojo: i gave up everything i had on something that just wouldn’t last, but i refuse to cry no tears will fall from these...eyesSsSSs...ohhhhOhhhhohhh
— Gena-mour Barrett (@SmileGena) January 30, 2019
11 y/o me: GEEEEEETTTT OOOOOUUUUUTTTTTTTTT pic.twitter.com/Ou6dqpr7OF
Netflix needs a category for my mother that's called "These Are Those Movies With That Guy From That Show"
— kim beans (@KimmyMonte) January 29, 2019
“And then we’ll have fries for the table.” -me, eating alone
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) January 28, 2019
pleased to announce that i greet the corgi in my building with a loud, involuntary "YOU'RE A CORGI!!!!!" while ignoring the owners attached to him
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) January 31, 2019
I don't really drunk text anymore. I just write reviews for the Eiffel Tower complaining that it's "too high."
— sarah schauer 🦂 (@SJSchauer) January 29, 2019
how does duolingo know about my polar vortex diet and why is it so judgmental??? pic.twitter.com/9jEH06aZlg
— carla (@carlawaslike) February 1, 2019
my shoppe is called Birch & Mortar & Twine & Twill & Grayson & Max & Blush & Rustle & Oak & Ash & Iron & Maple & Soot & Honey. we sell things that hold other things. we don't accept money. I love marble. I have some in my house :) see you then!
— Catherine Cohen (@catccohen) January 29, 2019
My vision board is just a picture of me sleeping.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) January 28, 2019
Right now my refrigerator only contains 4 aloe vera leaves and 33 cans of Coke Zero so I can loan it out if you’re shooting a movie about a serial killer.
— Lesley Nneka Arimah (@larimah) January 26, 2019
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) January 31, 2019
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
me: nice earrings
— Pru (@prufrockluvsong) January 28, 2019
him: for the last time they're Air Pods
i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again: no
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) February 1, 2019
Another day, another chance for Idris Elba to become my sister husband.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) January 28, 2019
me:
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) January 31, 2019
email list I never signed up for: ALYSSA THIS IS URGENT AND ITS ALL RIDING ON YOU
🎶 These are a few of my favorite things 🎶 pic.twitter.com/V7wFM1ahGM
— Mara “Get Rid of the Nazis” Wilson (@MaraWilson) January 31, 2019
For me, charcuterie boards are always like, damn why do i gotta make my own sandwich
— Atsuko Okatsuka (@AtsukoComedy) January 30, 2019
just got in a fight w/ my crush who was not present at the time of the fight bc i played the whole thing out in my head anyway crush ended
— How To Be Alone (by me Lane Moore) is out now (@hellolanemoore) January 28, 2019
Fun fact: adding “my dude” to the end of any lyric from The Sound of Music makes you sound incredibly high. Like yes, the hills are alive, my dude
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) January 26, 2019
can’t wait to wear a beautiful white wedding dress so i can hear my friends & family gasp & say “oooo a sickly victorian ghost, everyone run”
— keely flaherty (@keelyflaherty) January 31, 2019
Just raised the roof at a stranger no regrets
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) January 29, 2019
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