Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women below. Then, visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
happy anniversary of the moon landing! tell someone you love them today by asking for space— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) July 20, 2019
Have officially reached the age where my idea of wildly indulgent luxury is having a pair of reading glasses in every room of my house.— andi zeisler (@andizeisler) July 23, 2019
therapist: and what do we say when we feel this way?— tracy the emotional support penguin (@brokeymcpoverty) July 23, 2019
me: one day we'll all be dead and none of this will matter
You know you’ve become bougie when you order 30 dollars of Taco Bell and you only got 2 things— Sofiya Alexandra (@TheSofiya) July 23, 2019
My favorite part of visiting home is having deep thoughts about the universe as I spend a night slowly descending to the ground on an air mattress.— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) July 22, 2019
They're filming SVU near my office. If I just lie on the street will they cast me as a corpse?— Brenna Ehrlich (@BrennaEhrlich) July 24, 2019
Guy in front of me at the grocery store buying one orange, one lemon and one avocado: Bet you know what I’m making...Guacamole!!— maura quint (@behindyourback) July 21, 2019
Me: You absolutely are not
saw a service dog with a vest that said DO NOT FEED OR FLIRT WITH ME and all I could think was “does that come in my size”— shauna (@goldengateblond) July 22, 2019
Mr Mueller, am i correct in stating that those small pinched cat-eye sunglasses that everybody is wearing now do not look good on anybody, not even Gigi Hadid? You are under oath sir— Erin im🍑 (impeach! get it?) Ryan (@morninggloria) July 24, 2019
Men who get mad when male superheroes are rebooted as women are called Thor losers. Thank you.— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) July 25, 2019
yes i am hopelessly busy and behind at work yes i am still tweeting all day it’s called holding two ideas in your head at once— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) July 23, 2019
I have to go to a team building meeting this afternoon or as I like to call it I'm going home sick from work at about 11:59 today.— EnvyDaTropic™ (@envydatropic) July 24, 2019
When I text my boyfriend a pic and don’t get enough praise it GOES to insta which is NOT “millennial” that is me ANY era if I sat for a daguerreotype to send my soldier beau and his response letter lacked commensurate acclaim I would ask for it back and post it in the town square— Natalie Walker (@nwalks) July 24, 2019
Me: I'm a strong and intelligent woman.— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) July 25, 2019
Also me: Wed-nes-day.
The angrier I am, the softer I talk. If I start to whisper, my family scatters.— ✨ Jo ✨ (@Just__J0) July 23, 2019
[group therapy]— Laurazepam (@andlikelaura) July 24, 2019
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
me as a student: how will I ever write four pages!?— Sophie Vershbow (@svershbow) July 24, 2019
me as a writer: "I know you said the essay has to be under 2,000 words but what if we changed that to 10,000 so I can keep in the background on my childhood?"
I frequently think about the time a few months back when I saw a barista at Starbucks call out the name “Tyler!” and then a fratty guy looked up from his phone and said “hello” and then went back to his phone without getting his drink— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) July 24, 2019
“i’m so unbothered, i’m so unbothered, y’all be so pressed while i’m raising daughters” - a beyoncé lyric about me watering my roommate’s plants while she’s away— hunter harris (@hunteryharris) July 25, 2019