Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
Witnessed the best party exit of my life yesterday: an adult told the six-year-old, “I like your unicorn backpack.” The girl paused on the steps and, without even casting a backwards glance, said, “Maybe you can get one someday.” Then she disappeared through the doggy door— Brit Bennett (@britrbennett) July 28, 2019
My kink is watching men saunter into female-dominated workout classes thinking they’re in for a relaxing hour, then dying on top of their 7.5 pound weights when they realizes women are strong as f*ck.— Sophie Vershbow (@svershbow) July 29, 2019
kid got just so mad he couldn’t order a hot dog at this airport restaurant he yelled “hot dogs are my family” and then his mom immediately asked for a white wine and you know what i identify with both of them— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) July 29, 2019
Every conversation is a podcast if you close your eyes— Karen Chee (@karencheee) July 30, 2019
People like to ask me what hogwarts house I am.— Lili Reinhart (@lilireinhart) July 31, 2019
But truthfully, I liken myself as more of the troll in the girl’s bathroom than any particular house.
I wish I loved anything as much as white evangelical women in the South love referring to each other on Instagram as "sweet friend"— Jia Tolentino (@jiatolentino) July 29, 2019
Adding “the fuck” after saying something is like sentence parsley.— Justice (@FITCH__mascot) July 28, 2019
Me: Sorry, I won't be able to make it.— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) August 1, 2019
Them: There will be free food.
Me: What I meant was that I won't be able to stay for very long.
Nothing has paid off less than learning how to do the Soulja Boy.— amber ruffin (@ambermruffin) July 27, 2019
Best thing I experienced today was watching a room full of toddlers lose their shit for some wrist ribbons so they could shake their sillies out.— Marcy G 🍕 (@BunAndLeggings) July 30, 2019
picnics are a great way to think you're hanging out with friends but actually you're sitting on something wet— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) July 29, 2019
My bangs got wet in the rain so if your thoughts could be with me at this difficult time— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) July 31, 2019
Welcome to adulthood. Freezer space is now a commodity.— Celeste Yvonne (@andwhatamom) July 30, 2019
Now that August is almost here, allow me to be the first to wish you a Merry Christmas.— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) August 1, 2019
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology— Eɾιɳҽɱ (@Mom_Overboard) August 1, 2019
No one will ever truly understand the pain of being me, a millennial who is bad at selfies.— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) July 31, 2019
My husband's on a work Skype, so I'm spending the next 30 minutes silently passing behind him dressed as every character from Into The Woods.— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) July 30, 2019
i made it through the 90s without wearing a skort once. you’re crazy if you think you’re gonna get me in 2019— luisa díez (@luisadieznuts) August 1, 2019
Every Instagram wellness girl loves posting 300-word photo captions that are like "It’s okay and allowed for me to like Mario and it’s okay and allowed for me to like Luigi. I can hold space for both."— Gabriella Paiella (@GMPaiella) August 1, 2019