The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant and succinct wit. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious musings of 280 characters or fewer.
Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women below. Then visit our “Funniest Tweets From Women” page for past roundups.
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Having a dog is just being the grand marshal of a very small parade into the kitchen like 800 times a day
— Amanda Mull (@amandamull) July 6, 2020
for once i'd like to read a book where the Acknowledgements section isn't there to thank people but to call out nemeses who have wronged the author
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) July 3, 2020
Just because something's vegan doesn't mean it's cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
— Rachel McCartney (@RachelMComedy) July 8, 2020
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
— Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) July 8, 2020
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 6, 2020
my dad called, sighed, and said: "the tension between your mother and the local deer is getting serious."
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) July 5, 2020
sure would be nice if anxiety could at least block out time in your calendar in advance like "oh FYI gonna need your brain from 4-11pm on wed i haven't decided for what yet but SAVE THE DATE"
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) July 8, 2020
Tonight's a full moon. Any other ladies want to meet up at that unexplained circle of stones in the woods and summon a demon? I'll bring a cheese plate.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) July 5, 2020
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
— A$AP CURRY (@lisa_curry) July 9, 2020
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
vodka in a water bottle when you’re expecting water https://t.co/stYUSPUwLv
— peyton (@peytonfishel) July 5, 2020
i know the show is called "unsolved mysteries" but it sucks how they don't solve the mysteries
— Jessica Roy (@JessicaKRoy) July 7, 2020
I am taking a vacation day tomorrow and I plan to sit and stare wistfully out a window.
— Imani Gandy ☄️🌏🔥 (@AngryBlackLady) July 9, 2020
i am informed that some of you guys are going on dates????????????? let me get this straight i'm supposed to risk my life to listen to a stranger explain how i "probably haven't heard of" the kind of directors he likes and it turns out he's talking about david fincher? no thanks!
— Jenna Sauers (@jennasauers) July 6, 2020
I’m challenging the limits of how little I can accomplish in one day.
— Akilah Green (@akilahgreen) July 6, 2020
When my dog makes a mess of any kind, he sits beside the mess looking incredibly dignified and makes eye contact as if to say, “I know I’ve done a bad thing, but I hope the fact that I’m big enough to own it encourages your judgement to be swift and merciful.”
— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) July 6, 2020
This is a poem about America. pic.twitter.com/QsaCb3GwVS
— Amanda Guinzburg (@Guinz) July 8, 2020
Me: oh cool, it’s so early. I can get some work done or go to bed early and get some rest
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) July 9, 2020
Me (two hours of staring at the wall doing nothing later): well, time to go to bed at my normal time
I'm a nonviolent person until I find a fly in my apartment. Then I go full Rambo.
— Morgan Jerkins (@MorganJerkins) July 5, 2020
don’t ask me “wyd” u know i’m at home deteriorating
— ava (@v1rgosun) July 8, 2020
Don’t remember: anything I read in college
— Caitie Karasik (@caitieekk) July 7, 2020
Remember: the layout of every CVS I’ve ever been in