The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant and succinct wit. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious musings of 280 characters or less.
Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
Sign up for our Funniest Tweets of the Week newsletter here.
what the hell did i do all day: a holiday memoir
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) November 30, 2019
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I stayed on the couch with my snacks where it matters.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) December 2, 2019
Imagine getting murdered and u go to heaven and god is like “they turned ur gruesome death story into a podcast lol”
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) December 2, 2019
my neighbor right before he tells me what’s wrong w my lawn pic.twitter.com/9440i86ja9
— deck the halls w kimmymonte ❄️ (@KimmyMonte) November 30, 2019
I just saw someone pay cash for a shirt like it was 2001
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) December 3, 2019
“baby yoda is a bad bitch!” - me at brunch, having seen 0.00 episodes of the mandalorian
— hunter harris (@hunteryharris) December 1, 2019
Is it normal halfway through barre class to wish for death
— rachel syme (@rachsyme) December 1, 2019
my gift to my therapist is that she is never bored
— tiffany (@radioheadass) December 1, 2019
If my husband bought me a Peleton, I'd spend a year making selfie videos of me drying my bras on it.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) December 3, 2019
This is just the absolute worst advent calendar I’ve ever gotten pic.twitter.com/XTSFI5u1fr
— maybe: clare (@clur19) December 4, 2019
i do not trust any living soul who genuinely enjoys drinking sparkling water this is nonnegotiable
— gaymer (@legallyines) December 6, 2019
Chronicles of Narnia ain't nothing but propaganda. Here I thought Turkish Delight was the best dessert ever and that shit ain't nothing but a powdery gummy bear.
— Morgan Jerkins (@MorganJerkins) December 1, 2019
cat 911: what’s your emergency
— Laurazepam (@andlikelaura) December 6, 2019
cat: there’s a cup on the counter and i wanna knock it over
911: ok
cat: but human told me not to
911: you gotta knock it over
cat: i gotta knock it over
911: KNOCK IT OVER
cat: AHHH I KNOCKED IT OVER
911: feel better
cat: much thanks
if someone tells you they're a consultant and you say "what does that mean" they literally cannot tell you
— Sarah Hagi (@geekylonglegs) December 5, 2019
twenty one pilots really said “my taste in music is your face” and we were all like hell fuckin yeah that’s good shit
— kelly (@kelllicopter) December 1, 2019
Thanksgiving comes to an end as I stand alone atop my mother’s last nerve, empty pan of gravy in hand screeching every last word to This Christmas.
— amber ruffin (@ambermruffin) December 3, 2019
any given character from big little lies on their balcony at 6am pic.twitter.com/CKWq2ml5l5
— Jill Gutowitz (@jillboard) November 30, 2019
Dakota Johnson if you’re reading this I appreciate the chaos in which you thrive and I’m free to hang out most nights and weekends
— Kate Royal (@theroyalistkate) December 1, 2019
Every time I find out about a new straight relationship, I go to Insta to see the discrepancy between when she start posting him, and when he started posting her. *chefs kiss* every time.
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) December 2, 2019
today I learned that jalapenos get stretch marks when they grow and now I don't have self esteem issues anymore
— Kie (@KielyHealey) December 3, 2019
Support HuffPost
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
At HuffPost, we believe that everyone needs high-quality journalism, but we understand that not everyone can afford to pay for expensive news subscriptions. That is why we are committed to providing deeply reported, carefully fact-checked news that is freely accessible to everyone.
Whether you come to HuffPost for updates on the 2024 presidential race, hard-hitting investigations into critical issues facing our country today, or trending stories that make you laugh, we appreciate you. The truth is, news costs money to produce, and we are proud that we have never put our stories behind an expensive paywall.
Would you join us to help keep our stories free for all? Your contribution of as little as $2 will go a long way.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you’ll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Already contributed? Log in to hide these messages.