The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 280-character musings. To see this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
Every time I don’t LOSE it on the very MEAN and UNHELPFUL man at my local post office, a short girl gets a clear view of the stage at crowded concert— Quinta. (@quintabrunson) October 16, 2018
I keep it together for you guys
i’m start taking confetti with me to therapy so when my therapist asks me “how are you?” i can say “sad” and toss the confetti everywhere it’ll be like a real life imessage— kelly (@kelllicopter) October 16, 2018
You ever feel like adulthood is just one long to-do list with nothing crossed off?— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) October 19, 2018
when a random stranger asks me to watch their stuff for them pic.twitter.com/nOnsOpZX2o— Babyface Killah🗡 (@foxybrownstan) October 14, 2018
You call it 'fall;' I call it ''canceling plans weather.'— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) October 16, 2018
I'm afraid to eat a honeycrisp apple because I'm afraid of getting hooked on a lifestyle I simply can't maintain.— NosferatPru (@prufrockluvsong) October 16, 2018
ME: I’m not a badass until I’ve had my coffee.— ☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 (@MacgyveringM22) October 17, 2018
NARRATOR: [rolling eyes]
She’s not a badass after she has
her coffee either, she just does ordinary shit faster, and with heightened anxiety.
Halloween season belongs to girls who shopped at Hot Topic and captioned their Myspace photos “we can live like Jack and Sally if we want” and told their moms to fuck off in the middle of a Joann Fabrics— Gabbi Boyd (@GabbiBoyd) October 16, 2018
my body: WHAT DO WE WANT?— keely flAHHHHHHHerty (@keelyflaherty) October 18, 2018
my brain: SLEEP!
my body: WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
my brain: AT EITHER 2PM OR 3AM
my body: hey wait—
my brain: LITERALLY NO OTHER TIME
my body: no that’s not—
my brain: WE ARE UNWILLING TO COMPROMISE
Sometimes I confuse personal growth with buying another romper online— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) October 16, 2018
The first step is recognizing that you have a problem. The second step is blaming it on someone else. Step three: revenge.— Sandra Newman is objectively frightening (@sannewman) October 13, 2018
Help. What are the best wireless earbuds on the market right now? For when I call Domino’s but want to look like a smart business woman.— Lili Reinhart (@lilireinhart) October 13, 2018
Meghan Markle is 37 and just found out she's carrying the baby of a prince.— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) October 15, 2018
I'm 37 and just found an almond in my sports bra.
Guess we're both living the dream.
My astrological sign is “nervous”— Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) October 16, 2018
I’m at elton john’s concert and the best part is everyone is over 40 and seated— Ziwe (@ziwe) October 19, 2018
Me, picking up a Magic 8Ball: haha, this will be silly and fun.— Eliza Skinner (@elizaskinner) October 18, 2018
Me, moments later: I HAVE BEEN BETRAYED BY THOSE WHO CLAIM TO LOVE ME - BUT NOW I KNOW THE TRUTH AND TRUST ONLY MY SPIRITUAL ADVISOR, THIS MAGIC 8BALL.
Shazam but for strange noises in your house at night.— Sofie Hagen (@SofieHagen) October 14, 2018
controversial opinion: the happy birthday song is too long— Christine Sydelko (@csydelko) October 16, 2018
remember when you were a kid and rolled your eyes when “The Price Is Right” prize package was all new appliances and now you’d be all tell me more about that LG front-loader Bob, my dryer’s been making dump-truck noises for like 4 months— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) October 18, 2018