The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant and succinct wit. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious musings of 280 characters or less.
Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
Sign up for our Funniest Tweets of the Week newsletter here.
I grabbed the right Tupperware lid on the first try and I've never felt more drunk with power.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) October 20, 2019
I’m sorry but if you are dating my crush you need to have easily accessible pictures of you online so I can compare myself to you IN A HEALTHY WAY.
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) October 24, 2019
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) October 24, 2019
When everyone warns you about your crush, but you don’t care pic.twitter.com/USEjumVDXU
— Diamond Brown (@HereIsDime) October 23, 2019
Rent should be due every 90 days, every 30 is dramatic. Let’s riot.
— Lana. (@PayMeInTacos) October 21, 2019
anxiety: u up?
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) October 22, 2019
Me: “I’m cool with change.”
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) October 22, 2019
*Updates iPhone, tries to delete app*
Also Me: “WHY ISN’T IT JIGGLING LIKE IT USED TO?!”
Me rushing to put a face mask on as soon as I feel my mental health slipping pic.twitter.com/nfBNeBbynh
— jenan (@jxnann) October 21, 2019
Nothing brings out the worst in me like someone trying to teach me a new card game
— Molly Erdman (@erdmanmolly) October 21, 2019
I accidentally sent an "I love you" to a friend but ended it with a period instead of an exclamation mark and we are legally betrothed now
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) October 22, 2019
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn't look like we're seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) October 23, 2019
Cheese is a form of self-care. Don’t let the waiter who’s begging you to tell him to stop grating cheese over your food to tell you otherwise.
— ℳ (@Love_bug1016) October 23, 2019
Everyone plays with their phones at brunch but bust out your Ouija Board ONE TIME and you're the rude one.
— Kendra Alvey's cute and creepy ghost (@Kendragarden) October 24, 2019
It’s not fall until I proclaim to everyone that I will bake an apple pie from scratch and then bail the last minute.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) October 21, 2019
Monday advice pic.twitter.com/R8UO7YUT3N
— mimi smartypants (@mimismartypants) October 21, 2019
As a Scorpio I’m legally obligated to remind you it’s Scorpio season in any and every conversation
— Ella Cerón (@ellaceron) October 23, 2019
i dont cook often but when i do, i drink an entire bottle of wine in the process
— tracy s. rumpkins (@brokeymcpoverty) October 20, 2019
75% of the time spent together in modern relationships is just comparing phone battery life to determine who gets to use the charger first
— Tԋҽ Gιɾl Wԋσ Cαɱҽ ƚσ Slαყ (@Mom_Overboard) October 20, 2019
Zuckerberg’s a guy who basically put all of democracy on Hot or Not & decided it wasn’t hot.
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) October 23, 2019
Girls don’t want fast cars, they want a cozy seat on a train rattling across the country side from which they can sip tea from dainty porcelain cups and solve gory murders
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) October 19, 2019
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