The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 280-character musings. To see this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
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you have the right to remain silent anything you say can and will be used against you in my group chat
— paige (@turnthepge) October 24, 2018
make your own weighted blanket by sleeping under your laundry
— alanna, because being yourself is scary enough (@AlannaBennett) October 23, 2018
Friday the 13th movies are scary because they remind me that some people actually go camping on purpose
— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) October 23, 2018
There aren’t enough people with late July birthdays to reflect how sexy of a night Halloween is supposed to be.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) October 22, 2018
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said "Oh, sorry" and closed the door like I'd walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) October 20, 2018
One of the great injustices of our time is that the kiss cam is only put on the crowds and never the players
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) October 24, 2018
I woke up too late for anything as frivolous as showering this morning, but not too late to tweet about it apparently.
— WhatserName™ (@IamEveryDayPpl) October 24, 2018
Healthy people are always like "my body 😌 is a temple 😌".
— Coffee Spoonie (@coffeespoonie) October 21, 2018
My body is a haunted house
friendship is RTing something for a second time after someone deletes it because of a typo
— anna boo-ges 💀 (@annabroges) October 24, 2018
I wanna be really terrifying for Halloween this year but I don’t know how to dress up as commitment
— Rads (@FeelingEuphoric) October 21, 2018
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) October 20, 2018
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Nothing in life is as shocking as discovering that one of your male friends has decided he is now a Bracelet Guy
— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) October 23, 2018
me: time to focus
— jen!!! (@jennifermerr) October 24, 2018
my brain: what if snakes
me: please
my brain: had legs
me: those are literally just lizards
my brain: s n a k e s
me:
my brain: 𝓌𝒾𝓉𝒽 𝓁𝑒𝑔𝓈.
america is incredible. today I got an $80 pair of shoes on discount for literally five dollars, and then I walked outside and remembered I don’t have health insurance. amazing! everyone should live here!!!!
— Scaachi (@Scaachi) October 20, 2018
my doctor: youre a hypochondriac
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) October 23, 2018
me: omg can you test me for that
I told an 18 year old that in my day we had to bring digital cameras to parties, and she asked, "how did you hold a camera and a purse?" GIRL, I'M REALLY NOT SURE.
— Kimberly Nicole Foster (@KimberlyNFoster) October 24, 2018
No thanks, alarm clocks. I am literally always alarmed.
— Yael, but like, haunted (@elle91) October 22, 2018
Wild how recipes always leave out the step where you eat too many snacks and are no longer hungry for the thing you cooked
— Ella Cerón (@ellaceron) October 24, 2018
remember when halloween used to be about fear and not playing jump rope with millennials' digestive tracts pic.twitter.com/GKTYBY0Vft
— emma lord (@dilemmalord) October 26, 2018
On alternating days, I change my pajamas, just to show I'm still in the game.
— MomofTeen (@MomofTeen) October 21, 2018
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