The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant and succinct wit. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious musings of 280 characters or less.
Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
Sign up for our Funniest Tweets of the Week newsletter here.
some of you were never the third friend that had to walk behind when the sidewalk was too narrow and it shows
— lena (@notIena) October 29, 2019
horror movie where millennials manage to buy a house but it’s haunted by the ghosts of all the things millennials have killed
— Alexandra Petrified (@petridishes) October 29, 2019
“what was that?”
“oh my god Jessica it’s GOLF”
i want to delete my facebook but i also always want access to the information that my middle school crush has that terrible beard
— hunter harris (@hunteryharris) October 30, 2019
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house pic.twitter.com/vnlpriaFZS
— nicole boyce (@nicolewboyce) October 29, 2019
Going to go as a sexy eight hours of uninterrupted sleep this Halloween
— Fossilized Tree Resin (@Jamberee13) October 27, 2019
There is a bug in my mail box. That’s his house now. He is the captain. I wonder where I will get my mail.
— roxane gay (@rgay) October 30, 2019
I’m at the age where I wake up and take Motrin just in case
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) October 28, 2019
Shout out to all the couples who have to have a serious argument in full costume tonight
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) November 1, 2019
A little girl with green hair chalk just asked me if my hair was dyed for Halloween. When I told her it was green year round she turned to her dad and screamed:
— BJ ColanGIALLO (@bjcolangelo) October 27, 2019
“YOU SAID GREEN HAIR WAS ILLEGAL AFTER HALLOWEEN! WHY DID YOU LIE?!”
this is where one might say “same” pic.twitter.com/AjhHwlsnvN
— Sarah Holder (@sarahsholder) October 29, 2019
God bless anyone actually going to a party on this, the 18th straight day of Halloween
— Amanda Mull (@amandamull) October 31, 2019
u know in twilight new moon when bella starts participating in adrenaline seeking activities bc edward ghosts her and she wants attention? that's how i feel when i tweet
— Sarah Hagi (@geekylonglegs) October 29, 2019
Finally brave enough to divulge my heterosexual rock bottom: finding out a guy was cheating on me via an astrology app I told him about.
— Alana Hope Levinson (@alanalevinson) October 30, 2019
Me, at 10:30: “nothing on TV—oh hey, let’s watch the last little bit of the World Series (having watched a total of 0 games this year)”
— Holli S Pumpkins (@BeingHolli) October 31, 2019
Me, at 11:45: “I WOULD LITERALLY DIE FOR THE WASHINGTON NATIONALS”
scorpio season also known as cry profusely in public season
— doreen st. félix (@dstfelix) October 27, 2019
Shaky is the hand that applies the mascara.
— Nonchalant Charlotte (@jellybnbonanza) October 29, 2019
Me: I think drinking water is giving me a headache
— Faerie Tasia, with the transparent wings👻 (@GroovyTasia) October 28, 2019
Doctor: No, it's all the coffee you're drinking
Me, sipping my venti salted caramel mocha with extra mocha: Well that's definitely not it
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
— Melania (@marbletonemedia) October 29, 2019
now hiring: someone to lift my weighted blanket onto my body
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) October 31, 2019
*smells jar of peanut butter like a wine connoisseur*
— Lisabug BBQJonze (@Lisabug74) October 30, 2019
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