The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant and succinct wit. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious musings of 280 characters or less.
Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
Sign up for our Funniest Tweets of the Week newsletter here.
Sorry I’m late, I still don’t know how long it takes to shower
— Allie Goertz (@AllieGoertz) October 8, 2019
Putting on and taking off a sports bra counts as exercise. Don’t @ me
— 🕸Imani Gandy Corn🕸 (@AngryBlackLady) October 9, 2019
I’m 29 years old but it’s ok because that’s only 1 in brita filter years
— Fossilized Tree Resin (@Jamberee13) October 8, 2019
Me in email:
— Emily Jungmin Yoon (@EmilyYoon) October 9, 2019
thanks for this. Thank you for responding. Thank you for acknowledging that I wrote. Sorry I can't do the thing but thanks for asking. Thanks for thinking of me. Thank you for thinking at all. Sorry to bother you since you didn't reply. Thanks again.
Thanks,
Emily
My period when I was younger: cramps for 4 days!
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) October 6, 2019
My period now: you will have 3 weeks where your body and brain attack you emotionally and physically and 7 good days
I had a long exciting dream that I rearranged my furniture. Your 30s are exactly what they tell you they will be.
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) October 5, 2019
As soon as I install this sprinkler system it’s over for you hose.
— Ariel Dumas (@ArielDumas) October 10, 2019
me when i was 10: how does anyone get married and not see their partner for 6 months.....why even marry
— gaymer (@legallyines) October 10, 2019
me, currently: so which cute girl that is 5528 miles away from me wants to fall in love so we can facetime everyday and meet up 11 months later to hang out for one weekend
My husband and I would like to pitch an offshoot from the British Baking Show, called “We’ll Eat That.”
— I’m probably available! (@mariabamfoo) October 8, 2019
When British people see the word mom how does it make them feel? Because when we see “mum” we secretly lose our shit and picture the 1700s
— Ariana Lenarsky (@aardvarsk) October 11, 2019
I wish I were better at making salad. I want to be master of my own romaine.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) October 5, 2019
When one door closes, another one opens. And then closes. And then opens. It’s the fridge. It’s me in front of the fridge.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) October 6, 2019
Marriage vows should be rewritten as “to have and to hold and to listen to stories about your workplace drama till death do us part.”
— SpacedMom (@copymama) October 8, 2019
Called a restaurant to make a reservation but couldn’t think of the word so asked for a food appointment and now I can never show my face there again
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) October 7, 2019
I hope we get trick-or-treaters this year because I really don't feel like driving these used books to Goodwill.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) October 11, 2019
All I want for my birthday is my husband to take me to a remote tropical island where we can lie on the beach for 2 days completely uninterrupted
— 👻Boo-cy Hub-orb🔮 (@clhubes) October 9, 2019
...and then on the third day a mysterious heiress is murdered in the lobby and oh no all the guests are suspects and we must solve it
got to inbox zero and a feeling of wellness entered my body, my skin cleared up, immediately hydrated, perfect 20/20 vision, all my pants fit, best hair day
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) October 10, 2019
jon bon jovi is literally the most insane name someone could give themselves
— Sarah Hagi (@geekylonglegs) October 9, 2019
I have to get my picture taken tomorrow so I guess I'll just do 65 face masks in a row in an attempt to turn back the hands of time, that'll work right
— jami attenberg (@jamiattenberg) October 10, 2019
So many ladies at the orchard are wearing shredded jeans I think a werewolf must be on the loose
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) October 6, 2019
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