The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― and succinct ― wit. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious musings of 280 characters or less.
Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
Sign up for our Funniest Tweets of the Week newsletter here.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
— em 🥀 (@uhhmmily) September 19, 2019
i don’t like the person i become when i’m tracking a ups package
— daddy long legs xx (@ELLASCHU) September 15, 2019
the phone camera arms race really overestimates the degree to which i want to see my own face in high definition
— Chelsea Fagan (@Chelsea_Fagan) September 19, 2019
the last time i went to urgent care i checked off “excessive crying” on the symptom list and the nurse got really confused and told me that was meant for babies
— oatly barista blend sommelier (@BUGPOSTING) September 18, 2019
Ok it’s 1am, finally time to stop watching tv on my laptop and GO TO BED and watch tv on my phone
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) September 19, 2019
I'm a capricorn. Of course I have a personal board of directors.
— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) September 16, 2019
doc martens are business casual if you aren’t a coward
— Furiosa (@babywasteland) September 18, 2019
it’s with a heavy heart I announce that I let another innocent bunch of bananas rot on my kitchen counter for 12 days
— brittany🥺 (@Brittany_broski) September 18, 2019
now i lay me down to sleep
— grim monte 🖤☠️👻🎃 (@KimmyMonte) September 19, 2019
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake
me listening to the audio of keke palmer not recognising dick cheney for the 600th time pic.twitter.com/DEaRj5XYsy
— bolu babalola (@BeeBabs) September 16, 2019
Hormones: hey what’s up?
— Betty (@BoomBoomBetty) September 17, 2019
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
if jlo isn’t dancing to criminal by fiona apple in your movie sounds like we don’t need your movie
— hunter harris (@hunteryharris) September 16, 2019
i am, and i cannot stress this strongly enough, drunk
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) September 19, 2019
7:00 PM in the summer: The night is young! Let's stay outside for hours!
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) September 18, 2019
7:00 PM in the fall: Well it's dark, so I guess I'll just get ready for bed now.
tiktok comedians: *teenagers making hysterical creative cry-laughing 15 second videos with no budget*
— your supreme, dj franzia (@hawillisdc) September 15, 2019
professional comedians: how do you expect me to be funny without using slurs?
I got stung by a bee for the first time tonight and I just want to say: I feel proud of all of you to whom this has happened and you found a way to carry on
— Glennon Doyle (@GlennonDoyle) September 18, 2019
Doing a low-budget but equally spiritually fulfilling version of Eat, Pray, Love entitled Gas Station, CVS, Return A Dress To Macy's.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) September 19, 2019
Fall is upon us. Eat some candy corn. Drink someone’s blood. Ghost that motherfucker. Get lost in a corn maze forever. Die in a haunted house...GET IN THE SPIRIT BITCHES
— ℳ (@Love_bug1016) September 19, 2019
so wild living with my parents again like for example my mother just told me I have to clean my room “because you have a guest coming” and the guest is literally my girlfriend
— kayla kumari upadhyaya (@KaylaKumari) September 19, 2019
yeah sex is great but have you ever told someone taking up two seats on the subway to move over
— Carly Ledbetter (@ledbettercarly) September 19, 2019
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