The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― and succinct ― wit. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious musings of 280 characters or less.
Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
Sign up for our Funniest Tweets of the Week newsletter here.
honestly i can't wait to be someone's filthy mouthed wife
— Lane Moore (@hellolanemoore) September 9, 2019
Me: I need to save money.
— alanna bennett (@AlannaBennett) September 8, 2019
Me 3.5 seconds later: I should buy a tuxedo and have it impeccably tailored so i can be A Simple Favor for Halloween
tucking my two daughters in silently trying to decide which one is caroline and which one is natalie
— elizabeth bruenig (@ebruenig) September 12, 2019
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) September 12, 2019
Me: No.
Me, age 17: can solve a quadratic equation in 20 seconds
— Anjali. (@Anjalaaay) September 11, 2019
Me, age 23: can't subtract 17 from 33 without a calculator
I showed a photo of JLo in Hustlers to both my trainer and my financial advisor, so what I'm saying is, my body is ready
— Ella Cerón (@ellaceron) September 12, 2019
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to be in bed by 9:30.
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) September 12, 2019
Nothing makes me feel like a founding father like still remembering how to write in cursive.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) September 10, 2019
do you think at the end of orgies everyone sings the clean up song
— Sweatpants Cher 🔶 (@House_Feminist) September 9, 2019
Hot Girl Summer is over. Make way for Witch Woman Autumn.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) September 12, 2019
Unbelievable that I am meant to eat healthy, have a social life, go to the gym and also meet my deadlines
— bolu babalola (@BeeBabs) September 12, 2019
My thought bubble is just filled with pictures of my favorite snacks.
— Annie the Nanny (@AnnietheNanny1) September 12, 2019
{store in my neighborhood closes down}
— grim monte 🖤☠️👻🎃 (@KimmyMonte) September 12, 2019
spirit halloween: pic.twitter.com/xsyPdB9aw7
no u can’t buy me a drink but u can buy me a chicken parmigiana from olive garden
— hunter harris (@hunteryharris) September 10, 2019
I am a full grown, reasonably competent adult woman, but I still believe if there are only two cookies left you've got to eat both of them, or the one remaining cookie will be lonely.
— Jennifer Wright (@JenAshleyWright) September 8, 2019
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
— Julicorn 🦄 (@ChicksRule) September 12, 2019
nobody:
— cheapy the cheapskate (@chelseamcneil15) September 11, 2019
absolutely no one:
a complete and total absence of people:
people with hydroflasks:
C L O N K
me, flirting: look, I’ve got tix to see Yo-Yo Ma in March 2020. If you’re my boyfriend then, I’ll bring you, ok?
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) September 7, 2019
Me: I’m so tired! What a relief to finally get in bed and close my eyes and sle—
— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) September 11, 2019
My brain: A platypus is basically the hotdog of animals. Tweet that
i still don't know what tik tok is
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) September 11, 2019
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