The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
I wake up every morning planning when I should schedule my nap in.
— Zora Neale Hurtin' (@_maiyah_) October 19, 2016
Just saw Luke Perry on the cover of the AARP magazine in case they ask for my cause of death.
— shauna (@goldengateblond) October 17, 2016
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought this wk will finally be ripe enough to eat between 8pm-8:15pm -- so I can't #priorities
— Tanisha L. Ramirez (@TanishaLove) October 21, 2016
Yeah sure these are "Halloween decorations". Sure. Yeah that's totally what they are, they're not my "actual real life friends," sure! Yeah
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) October 17, 2016
Ooh there are now Harry Potter makeup brushes that look like wands! Maybe I can Wingardium Leviosa the bags under my eyes.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) October 17, 2016
Showing up to our date with a velcro wallet is a good way of letting me know I'm picking up the check.
— Erica (@SCbchbum) October 17, 2016
Just started watching The Walking Dead and it turns out it's nothing like Love Actually.
— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) October 18, 2016
I just called down the hall to my 5yo, "What are you up to?"
— Nasty Womanda (@Manda_like_wine) October 21, 2016
"Playing with miscellaneous toys, obviously" she replied to her idiot mother.
When I actually sleep through the night I wish there was someone to be as proud of me as when a newborn does it.
— The Eh Factor (@AngelaEhh) October 21, 2016
YAY! You slept!
Today I woke up with my laptop and phone in bed next to me so I am ready for my uptight overworked feminist bitch rom com plot now please.
— Chloe Angyal (@ChloeAngyal) October 20, 2016
Only super power I want is to stop time every now and again to nap.
— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) October 21, 2016
911: whats ur emergency
— Jillian Gutowitz (@jillboard) October 16, 2016
ME: what isn't
911: what? Do u have an emergency?
M: doesnt everyone
911: so is there an issue or
M: when isnt there
Cannot decide my Halloween garb. Torn between "the collapse of the free world" and Sexy Croc™ (the shoe).
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) October 18, 2016
Every girl: "OMG YOUR HAIR 😍 I'm so gay! This looks so good!!"
— GABY DUNN ☠️🎃 (@gabydunn) October 17, 2016
Every dude: "But I prefer long hair."
Me: "Mission accomplished." 😉
If you're late to meet someone and they're scrolling Instagram it is against the law to interrupt
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) October 21, 2016
[Trump watching Harry Potter]
— OhNastyTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) October 21, 2016
See, that 4-eyes kid didn't accept the results of the rigged Sorting Hat so it let him be in Gryffindor.
would it be overkill to name my daughter Sasha Nastywoman
— Alexandra Petri (@petridishes) October 20, 2016
probably but still tempting
it's the year 2019 and i have been Arrested for writing "CAPTAIN KIRK IS A LESBIAN" on every surface in christopher pine's home
— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) October 17, 2016
weird to think some of us went to kindergarten with trolls- like did i do nap time next to someone who's currently tweeting SLUT at someone?
— Jessica Samakow (@jsam1126) October 21, 2016
"I can't tell if we're flirting or I hate you" - me after every interaction with men
— Alix McAlpine (@alixmcalpine) October 20, 2016
Support HuffPost
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
At HuffPost, we believe that everyone needs high-quality journalism, but we understand that not everyone can afford to pay for expensive news subscriptions. That is why we are committed to providing deeply reported, carefully fact-checked news that is freely accessible to everyone.
Whether you come to HuffPost for updates on the 2024 presidential race, hard-hitting investigations into critical issues facing our country today, or trending stories that make you laugh, we appreciate you. The truth is, news costs money to produce, and we are proud that we have never put our stories behind an expensive paywall.
Would you join us to help keep our stories free for all? Your contribution of as little as $2 will go a long way.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you’ll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Already contributed? Log in to hide these messages.