The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
I wake up every morning planning when I should schedule my nap in.— Zora Neale Hurtin' (@_maiyah_) October 19, 2016
Just saw Luke Perry on the cover of the AARP magazine in case they ask for my cause of death.— shauna (@goldengateblond) October 17, 2016
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought this wk will finally be ripe enough to eat between 8pm-8:15pm -- so I can't #priorities— Tanisha L. Ramirez (@TanishaLove) October 21, 2016
Yeah sure these are "Halloween decorations". Sure. Yeah that's totally what they are, they're not my "actual real life friends," sure! Yeah— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) October 17, 2016
Ooh there are now Harry Potter makeup brushes that look like wands! Maybe I can Wingardium Leviosa the bags under my eyes.— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) October 17, 2016
Showing up to our date with a velcro wallet is a good way of letting me know I'm picking up the check.— Erica (@SCbchbum) October 17, 2016
Just started watching The Walking Dead and it turns out it's nothing like Love Actually.— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) October 18, 2016
I just called down the hall to my 5yo, "What are you up to?"— Nasty Womanda (@Manda_like_wine) October 21, 2016
"Playing with miscellaneous toys, obviously" she replied to her idiot mother.
When I actually sleep through the night I wish there was someone to be as proud of me as when a newborn does it.— The Eh Factor (@AngelaEhh) October 21, 2016
YAY! You slept!
Today I woke up with my laptop and phone in bed next to me so I am ready for my uptight overworked feminist bitch rom com plot now please.— Chloe Angyal (@ChloeAngyal) October 20, 2016
Only super power I want is to stop time every now and again to nap.— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) October 21, 2016
911: whats ur emergency— Jillian Gutowitz (@jillboard) October 16, 2016
ME: what isn't
911: what? Do u have an emergency?
M: doesnt everyone
911: so is there an issue or
M: when isnt there
Cannot decide my Halloween garb. Torn between "the collapse of the free world" and Sexy Croc™ (the shoe).— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) October 18, 2016
Every girl: "OMG YOUR HAIR 😍 I'm so gay! This looks so good!!"— GABY DUNN ☠️🎃 (@gabydunn) October 17, 2016
Every dude: "But I prefer long hair."
Me: "Mission accomplished." 😉
If you're late to meet someone and they're scrolling Instagram it is against the law to interrupt— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) October 21, 2016
[Trump watching Harry Potter]— OhNastyTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) October 21, 2016
See, that 4-eyes kid didn't accept the results of the rigged Sorting Hat so it let him be in Gryffindor.
would it be overkill to name my daughter Sasha Nastywoman— Alexandra Petri (@petridishes) October 20, 2016
probably but still tempting
it's the year 2019 and i have been Arrested for writing "CAPTAIN KIRK IS A LESBIAN" on every surface in christopher pine's home— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) October 17, 2016
weird to think some of us went to kindergarten with trolls- like did i do nap time next to someone who's currently tweeting SLUT at someone?— Jessica Samakow (@jsam1126) October 21, 2016
"I can't tell if we're flirting or I hate you" - me after every interaction with men— Alix McAlpine (@alixmcalpine) October 20, 2016