The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
It's crazy af how Beyoncé can just find out where you live/work. I want her and Parkwood to know that I will give them my social if need be.
— Jasmyn Lawson (@JasmynBeKnowing) February 17, 2017
Tomorrow is the holiest day of the year: 50% off candy day.
— Nina Bargiel (@slackmistress) February 14, 2017
I'm looking for a knife to open this knife I bought from Amazon.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) February 14, 2017
Me watching Trudeau translate himself into French. pic.twitter.com/yazecf1Nvj
— Alyssa Milano (@Alyssa_Milano) February 13, 2017
So what if an 8 yr old on Master Chef can make a perfect steak?
— Bianca LaVagina (@AnitaHelmet) February 17, 2017
MY kids are really--
Well, sometimes they--
It's cool when--
Never mind.
There's gonna be a lot of tweets about me peeing in public but it's only bc I have a small bladder and get distracted when I'm jogging
— Mary-Devon Dupuy (@DevoDupuy) February 14, 2017
I'm afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can't tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
— Yael (@elle91) February 16, 2017
The statistics on time spent looking for the right emoji are chilling
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) February 15, 2017
Friend: Look on the bright side
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) February 17, 2017
Me: [walks away]
Friend: Where are you going
Me: To talk to someone who doesn't say shit like that
I can't remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I'm your gal.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) February 17, 2017
This reboot of Ocean's Eleven has just as much theft but much worse suits. pic.twitter.com/cmUR5Uy5VA
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) February 17, 2017
Me as a witness on Law & Order
— GABY DUNN (@gabydunn) February 17, 2017
Cop: What kind of car was he driving?
Me: Um, one with wheels.
Cop: Make and model?
Me: Yeah, I have no idea.
I'm running for president in 2020 on the platform that all humans should be banished & trees should be in charge, can I count on your vote?
— Shalyah Evans (@ShalyahEvans) February 16, 2017
Guys the man at the ice cream shop gave me my milkshake & a rose for Valentine's & now I'm just trying to pick the best day for our wedding
— Hollis Miller (@missehollis) February 14, 2017
"how many wings did you eat?" pic.twitter.com/2EHCb7SWcA
— Hannah Giorgis (@ethiopienne) February 16, 2017
I'm happily partnered, but in my head cleaning my room up still means "getting it nice enough to invite someone over for sex."
— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) February 17, 2017
Donald Trump is that friend who has alienated everybody because once he gets two beers deep he starts ranting about his ex from 10 years ago
— Erin 🎶Gloria🎶 Ryan (@morninggloria) February 16, 2017
don't mind me, I'll be over here waiting for everyone with a secret crush on me to shower me in flowers, chocolate, and attention
— Jenna Amatulli (@ohheyjenna) February 14, 2017
Me: I am my harshest critic
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) February 17, 2017
Twitter: lol hold my beer
youtube makeup tutorials vs. real life pic.twitter.com/RaewmC23By
— Ziwe (@ziwe) February 13, 2017
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