The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
Sign up for our Funniest Tweets Of The Week newsletter here.
How to celebrate Equal Pay Day:
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) April 4, 2017
1. Tickle a man's nose with a feather.
2. While he's distracted, steal 23% of his salary.
My therapist wants me to have a hobby. Like screaming into the void isn't a hobby?
— Nina Bargiel (@slackmistress) April 5, 2017
I like how celery has dental floss built right in.
— Marta Effing Ketchup (@MartaEffing) April 1, 2017
Next time @pepsi do one where Kendall Jenner marches to Montgomery but the cops don't bludgeon her bc she's white & has a refreshing @pepsi
— Jia Tolentino (@jiatolentino) April 4, 2017
OTHER JOB OPENINGS FOR STEVE BANNON:
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) April 6, 2017
1) a before model for face cream
2) seven or more of the symptoms of a hernia
3) the concept of regret
Being a parent is the greatest thing ever besides sleeping in, day drinking, and free time.
— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) April 2, 2017
this black woman is all of us pic.twitter.com/4dB98jZGqa
— Ziwe (@ziwe) April 5, 2017
I bet whenever Samuel L. Jackson types an "M" his phone automatically says "motherfucker"
— Dumb Beezie (@dumbbeezie) April 6, 2017
I tell people I went to Georgetown because no one can prove that I didn't.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) April 6, 2017
If the key to weight loss was "eat right OR exercise" then I might be on board, but to do both--sorry that's just asking too much
— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) April 2, 2017
If you don't at least have a onesome tonight then you are squandering your pre-apocalypse time.
— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) April 7, 2017
My addiction to slow moving reptiles tortoise family apart.
— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) April 6, 2017
Wore the same pair of sweatpants to work three days in a row because there's no reason a cry for help can't be comfortable
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) April 7, 2017
I guess causing the apocalypse is one way not to have historians view your presidency poorly
— Jaime Lutz (@jaime_lutz) April 7, 2017
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) April 6, 2017
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
There are only 2 traffic lights between my home & work yet I still manage to fit in a selfie and road rage everyday.
— she's unfiltered (@MommaUnfiltered) April 6, 2017
A friend just had another baby. I just had another piece of lasagna. Pretty big day for both us, I guess.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) April 5, 2017
"Nobody puts Spicey in the corner," says Spicer, to himself, as he sits in the corner. pic.twitter.com/AQDOiSDRud
— Olivia Messer (@OliviaMesser) April 7, 2017
I've thrown away more avocados than I've ever eaten.
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) April 6, 2017
Take something you were going to throw away. Now spend a bunch of money to make it something else.
— Mary (@AnniemuMary) April 6, 2017
-crafts
Support HuffPost
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
At HuffPost, we believe that everyone needs high-quality journalism, but we understand that not everyone can afford to pay for expensive news subscriptions. That is why we are committed to providing deeply reported, carefully fact-checked news that is freely accessible to everyone.
Whether you come to HuffPost for updates on the 2024 presidential race, hard-hitting investigations into critical issues facing our country today, or trending stories that make you laugh, we appreciate you. The truth is, news costs money to produce, and we are proud that we have never put our stories behind an expensive paywall.
Would you join us to help keep our stories free for all? Your contribution of as little as $2 will go a long way.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you’ll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Already contributed? Log in to hide these messages.