The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
Sign up for our Funniest Tweets Of The Week newsletter here.
my dad has bad knees from jumping out of military aircraft in vietnam. i have carpal tunnel from stirring natural peanut butter.
— Erica (@SCbchbum) July 8, 2017
seven months into 2017 and ~still~ if you log off to eat dinner & watch british teen tv you miss 3-9 major, historic breaking news stories
— ✨dodai✨ (@dodaistewart) July 11, 2017
*eyeshadow on other people* wow they're so hip and daring
— maura quint (@behindyourback) July 7, 2017
*eyeshadow on me* hello, I recently failed out of clown college
me on new years: POSITIVE VIBESSS 2017 IS GONNA BE MY YEARR
— farwz (@farwzz) July 10, 2017
me now: can I pls just have one good week
I sure do watch a lot of HGTV for someone who just used a butter knife as a screwdriver.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) July 7, 2017
In times like these just remember that nothing can stop you from ordering a pizza
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) July 12, 2017
Oh don't be a fucking idiot, iPhone pic.twitter.com/4qZiJyxpko
— Morgan Murphy (@morgan_murphy) July 12, 2017
Singing "head, shoulders, knees and toes WHAT ARE THOSSSSSE" perfectly describes my immaturity despite motherhood
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) July 12, 2017
Walk in the club like "Oops my mistake I did not realize this was a club."
— erin whitehead (@girlwithatail) July 12, 2017
CONSPIRACY THEORY: the current government is an improv everywhere prank that went rogue
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) July 11, 2017
I'm so determind to teach my kid body positivity that last night during storytime I was like "Jabba the Hut is beautiful just the way he is"
— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) July 12, 2017
it's get drunk and pretend I'm the lost member of Pentatonix o'clock
— Tracy Clayton (@brokeymcpoverty) July 14, 2017
Benefit of living on the West Coast: By the time I wake up, all the East Coasters have distilled the news down into darkly hilarious tweets.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) July 12, 2017
Y'all consider this a date ? pic.twitter.com/SbAy246fMj
— maria (@cakefacedcutie) July 11, 2017
I'm doing my part to fight climate change through an ongoing series of romantic failures that will leave me childless
— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) July 12, 2017
Dominoes would like me to remove them as my emergency contact.
— Monica (@Monicann86) July 14, 2017
please some foreign leader or spouse buy a novelty arm for the Trump Handshake so when he yanks it just comes off
— Alexandra Petri (@petridishes) July 13, 2017
When you're trying to get out early on Friday + hear "just one more thing before you go..." pic.twitter.com/yqgzrEyNbJ
— Lauren Sivan (@LaurenSivan) July 14, 2017
If you're a man who can't remember to put a toilet seat down assume any woman who knows this thinks you're incompetent at everything else.
— Sarah Wood (@sarahwoodwriter) July 13, 2017
Trump told the First Lady of France that she’s “in such great shape.” I’m sure she’s been working out to defend herself from him.
— Bette Midler (@BetteMidler) July 13, 2017
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