The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
Sign up for our Funniest Tweets Of The Week newsletter here.
me: why am i never in craigslist missed connections???
— Lane Moore (@hellolanemoore) July 23, 2017
also me: never leaves my house or talks to anyone
Created a new workout routine called Chase the cute guy around the gym.
— Luwanda (@LuwandaJenkins) July 24, 2017
Me: I just want to be the center of someone's universe
— Amandaconda (@mommywhitfield) July 22, 2017
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
TGIF
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) July 26, 2017
(Thank God It's ForSureTheApocalypse)
"Maybe he'll change??" - Every girl at brunch & also me right now about John McCain
— Michelle Markowitz (@michmarkowitz) July 25, 2017
I'm a simple girl, I don't need chocolates & flowers. I just need someone to sponsor my favorite podcasts, donate to the ACLU, & fund PP
— Yara shahidi (@YaraShahidi) July 25, 2017
relationship status: watching a bunch of old white dudes on cspan at 1:30 AM
— Sara Yasin (@missyasin) July 28, 2017
"Never pass a mirror without looking in it." pic.twitter.com/cqyeN0X1Vy
— Paris Hilton (@ParisHilton) July 23, 2017
"Friends forever," I whisper, as I braid a lock of my hair into yours while you sleep
— Not Sara (@smithsara79) July 25, 2017
Before you ask, yes I say thank you to my shoes before I take them off and apologize for not letting them see the interior of my home.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) July 26, 2017
[Carpenter First Date]
— Wünder Zödä (@Poutymcgee) July 24, 2017
So, tell me about your shelf.
*obtains the key to happiness*
— Cathenia (@yazminda12) July 24, 2017
*can't find the door*
Autocorrect just changed 'morning' to 'morbid' and now life makes perfect sense
— Pugnado (@LuvPug) July 22, 2017
can everyone but my crush leave me the hell alone
— lana del rey stan (@harmonicait) July 25, 2017
White people be knowing every breed of dog but don't know the difference between the Middle East and Pakistan
— Mahwish Quraishi (@MahwishQ) July 25, 2017
how many times a day do you think about moving to canada and also would they even let us in at this point
— Jen Doll (@thisisjendoll) July 25, 2017
The traditional way I celebrate my birthday is by getting happy birthday texts from dudes I made out with in 2007 and never spoke to again
— Erin 🎶Gloria🎶 Ryan (@morninggloria) July 26, 2017
The darkest part of my personality is the one that thinks maybe nobody's texting me back because they are all planning a surprise for me.
— maggie mull (@infinitesimull) July 25, 2017
if you've ever gotten an email from me longer than 2 sentences please know I worked on it for 3 hours
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) July 26, 2017
"Glass of wine?
— liVsy (@liv_thatsme) July 26, 2017
Me: That's so sexist. Servers always assume women want wine. What if I want a beer?
"Can I get you a beer?"
Me: No, wine.
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