The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 280-character musings. For this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
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Dress for the emotional support peacock job you want.
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) February 1, 2018
I'm capable of remembering about 10 people's names and 6 of those people are dogs I follow on Instagram.
— Pjörk 🐷 (@NicoleConlan) February 1, 2018
I gave myself a ritual salt bath tonight and was distracted by the smell of my neighbor’s fried chicken it’s so hard being a witch
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) January 31, 2018
It’s not an intense investigative podcast about a gruesome murder until it’s interrupted by an ad for Blue Apron.
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) January 31, 2018
me drinking piss coffee: who gives a shit. it's coffee. i don't give any shits so long as i'm caffeinated
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) January 31, 2018
me drinking french pressed coffee: (distant gaze) san francisco, 1972. an unusually clear spring day and there's an undeniable electricity in the air.
Me waiting for my favorite astrologers to post my February horoscope pic.twitter.com/ubKxqox4H8
— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) February 1, 2018
[operator]: 9-1-1 what's your emergency
— Carly Ledbetter (@ledbettercarly) February 2, 2018
[me, breathless]: HI I DON T WANT TO SOUND ALARMED BUT I JUST SAW TWO MEN WEARING SHORTS IN 25 DEGREE WEATHER HOW DO I PROCEED? CITIZEN'S ARREST?
me very carefully following the minor drama of complete strangers: wow, they should get a life
— Jessica Roy (@JessicaKRoy) January 30, 2018
copywriting question when it comes to typing "Meryl Streep" do we do italics, question marks, or a conspicuous font change so everyone reads it in a special voice?
— alexis nedd (@alexisthenedd) February 1, 2018
Starting to realize that local Chuck E. Cheese my parents told me burned down probably didn't burn down.
— Maggie Serota (@maggieserota) February 1, 2018
My dad just called me to laugh about this time when I was a kid and he sent me into a gas station to get snacks but had to come get me cause I’d started arguing with the guy at the cash register about overcharging me but really I just didn’t understand tax yet
— Shakira (@jodecicry) January 31, 2018
*someone slightly side-eyes me at the grocery store as I'm checking out with 20 bags of whole grain rice*
— maura "jack and biz must be nazis" quint (@behindyourback) February 2, 2018
Me: and....you're muted on Twitter
Walk with me Lord as I attempt to go to Trader Joe's on a Saturday.
— king crissle (@crissles) January 27, 2018
I wish they had a Puppy Bowl equivalent for the State of the Union.
— (((𝕺𝖍𝕹𝖔𝕾𝖍𝖊𝕿𝖜𝖎𝖙𝖓𝖙))) (@OhNoSheTwitnt) February 1, 2018
in my head i just invented “live podcasts” and quickly realized that’s...the radio
— marisa kabas (@MarisaKabas) February 1, 2018
me every time i remember im doing whole30 this month pic.twitter.com/q5LPGC9OzJ
— Hannah Giorgis (@ethiopienne) January 26, 2018
SO MUCH of my self-care advice is “get drunk and watch Independence Day.”
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) February 2, 2018
lord grant me the confidence of a man who did stand up once
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) January 29, 2018
It’s 2018. Text Me By Your Name.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) February 2, 2018
True Life: I ate too many baos and now I am one
— Jenna Amatulli (@ohheyjenna) January 31, 2018
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