The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 280-character musings. To see this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
Sign up for our Funniest Tweets Of The Week newsletter here.
Every single morning I consider dropping out of society and living in my bed full time.
— Ashley Nicole Black Panther (@ashleyn1cole) April 1, 2018
Why are faux pockets even a thing? I have enough disappointment in my life, thank you very much.
— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) April 3, 2018
I’m trying to socialize my dog and I just said to her “you need to realize not all people are scary” and I swear to god she side-eyed me so hard like “bitch please you’re scared of everyone”
— Lane Moore (@hellolanemoore) April 4, 2018
when no one responds within 5 mins in the group chat pic.twitter.com/Houu6y2RwG
— Bim Adewunmi (@bimadew) April 3, 2018
she died as she lived: absolutely drowning in emails
— Sammy Nickalls 🧚♀️ (@sammynickalls) April 4, 2018
the worst part of falling anywhere in new york is immediately having to shift into PR mode to assure no fewer than 500 onlookers that you're okay
— Hannah Giorgis (@ethiopienne) April 2, 2018
here is my family reading my tweets pic.twitter.com/1siCtcmerg
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) April 5, 2018
When they say that some of the decisions you make can change the course of your entire life, who knew that they were talking about plucking your eyebrows too thin in your early 20s?
— Akilah Green (@akilahgreen) April 6, 2018
An electric fence but for my husband to stay on his side of the bed while I’m sleeping
— Ash (an female) (@adult_mom) April 3, 2018
Have I Lost A Couple Pounds Or Am I Just Wearing Clothes That Fit: An Empirical Investigation
— Tracy Boomeisha-Ann Clayton (@brokeymcpoverty) April 4, 2018
[me making drunk purchases on amazon]: mmmm yes come to mama pic.twitter.com/5EfInUWius
— Carly Ledbetter (@ledbettercarly) April 4, 2018
The problem with telling a quiet person they're quiet is you've now replaced whatever they were about to say with a giant wall
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) April 4, 2018
*shopping for pants @lululemon *
— Lauren Taylor (@byLaurenTaylor) April 3, 2018
sales associate: “what kind of activities do you plan on doing?”
Me: “googling celebrity workout plans and drinking an entire bottle of wine”
Sales associate: “right this way.”
I can’t wait to cast Timothee Chalawhatever in my biopic about the yodeling Walmart boy
— Shakira (@jodecicry) April 1, 2018
Do I Have A Headache Because My Ponytail Is Too Tight Or Am I Just Dehydrated, a short story
— Taylor Trudon (@taylortrudon) March 30, 2018
thinking about getting really into STRING CHEESE
— Jazmine Hughes (@jazzedloon) April 4, 2018
Everyone when a phone buzzes on the table pic.twitter.com/OGjrTymlxA
— Michelle Spies (@spies_please) April 3, 2018
Love that every fourth sentence my mom says is “She was the PEOPLE’S PRINCESS”
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) April 2, 2018
TODAY’S MANTRA: Believe it, achieve it, it’s fine that I got yogurt on my purse
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) April 5, 2018
I carboload every night in case I wanna run a marathon the next day. I never do, but it’s always good to have options
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) April 4, 2018
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