The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 280-character musings. To see this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
Whenever I save the numbers of my female friends’ male partners in my phone, I use the Handmaid’s Tale model for their last names, so Anthony OfBianca.— Lesley "Nakia" Arimah (@larimah) April 14, 2018
i’m at a cool part of my adult life where a rice crispy bar gives me heartburn— dream ghoul (@TheDreamGhoul) April 17, 2018
I talk a lot of shit for someone who refills her bird feeders regularly— NotJPo (@Peauxtassium) April 17, 2018
Should I start whitening my teeth with charcoal or just face my actual problems— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) April 17, 2018
TSA Agent: Does your middle name Cassandra mean anything?— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) April 20, 2018
Me (excitedly): Yeah! Prophetess of Doom!
Me: ...it also means Entangler of Men.
here i am seconds after i’ve cut my own bangs pic.twitter.com/LuwlWuSbr8— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) April 18, 2018
Completed the KonMari method of tidying up and now only have 1 son bc the other 3 refused to dab for me and thus didn't spark any joy.— Karen Chee (@karencheee) April 16, 2018
The more I eat the hungrier I get. It’s like some sort of food benjamin button shit— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) April 20, 2018
when sites have free shipping over $100 and free returns, acting like i'm not gonna order an extra $80 of stuff purely so i can return it pic.twitter.com/0Ihh2zXMB6— ur m8 raddles (@angharadyeo) April 17, 2018
*adds shit to her to-do list after she's already done it just so she can cross it out and feel productive*— Zeba Blay (@zblay) April 19, 2018
tonight’s Law And Order: SVU ep has a guy who calls a woman a “millennial poptart.” please refer to me as such whenever possible.— Lane Moore (@hellolanemoore) April 19, 2018
I just fell up the escalator and it was honestly a humbling experience.— Ziwe (@ziwe) April 18, 2018
Me: Hold on, I'll get my wallet. I tell ya, at my age, you don't know how nice it is to get carded.— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) April 17, 2018
Doorman: Yeah, like I said, mam, this is a Costco, and we're just checking to make sure you're not stealing that five hundred count case of mini quiche.
Flamingos over Albania is my new ska band name. I called it.— Imani Gandy (@AngryBlackLady) April 20, 2018
They’ll be opening up for Dreadlocks of Circumstance
It's 8 p.m. on Sunday. Do you know where your anxieties about unpleasant hypothetical situations for the upcoming week are?— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) April 15, 2018
Running shoes? No, I don't run. These are my cake gettin' shoes.— JC Tarp (@jctwritesstuff) January 15, 2018
me to myself when i should have been tucked in and sleeping pic.twitter.com/nKccPCM7EY— Bim Adewunmi (@bimadew) April 20, 2018
I can make pasta enough for zero or 25 people. There is no in between. Anyway, though, you guys hungry?— B 🐝 (@vtbee80) April 18, 2018
if you don’t love me at my— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) April 18, 2018
“Best Regards, Broti Gupta, 10th Grade Class President”
then you don’t deserve me at my
co-worker: hey! what's up— Taylor Trudon (@taylortrudon) April 17, 2018
me: did u identify more with mary-kate or ashley when u were growing up i was def a mary-kate