MONDAY
8-9
ABC - Quran Burning With the Stars
CBS - How I Lost Interest In a Show That Gags On Its Own Stroke-Inducing Pseudo-Cleverness; Some Comedies Just Keep Flying Under the Radar
NBC - Will Chuck Eventually Merge With V'Ger and Become a Living Machine?
FOX - Five CC's of Asshole
CW - I Bet Senior Year Will Be Totally In Your Face
CNN - If I Constantly Fuck Prostitutes, Can I Get My Own News Show, Too?
Discovery - Who Cares? We're Just Waiting For Shark Week
A&E - More Human Freak Shows Designed to Make Your Drab, Wretched Lives Seem So Much Better By Comparison
9 - 10
CBS - If I Threaten My Future Wife With a Switchblade, Can I Get My Own Sitcom, Too?; A Fat Couple? On Prime Time TV? This Is Madness, I Say! Madness!!
NBC - I Know One of the Cast Members So I Hope This Runs A Thousand Years
FOX - Bad Ratings Loom/And Could Spell Doom/(Clap Clap Clap Clap)/For Shows Now Set In Texas
CW - America's Love Affair With Rich, Useless Socialites Continues Unabated
TLC - If I Learn Of Anyone Watching This, I Will Hunt Him or Her Down Like a Dog
A&E - More Human Freak Shows Designed to Make Your Drab, Wretched Lives Seem So Much Better By Comparison
10 - 11
ABC - Mon Ami, If You Wish To Catch a Rabbit You Put a Ferret Into the Hole, And If the Rabbit Is There, He Runs
CBS - Shoot Me, Danno
NBC - U.S. Marshal With a Vagina!
Showtime - Toke; Croak
TLC - Kids Sure Are Cute When They're Not Yours
A&E - More Human Freak Shows Designed to Make Your Drab, Wretched Lives Seem So Much Better By Comparison
TUESDAY
8-9
ABC - The Incredibles + Home Improvement + Heroes + Spy Kids = You Get the Picture
CBS - NCIS: Frostbite Falls
NBC - So, It's Not Okay to Call People Fat But It Is Okay to Watch Them Get Weighed Each Week on Truck Stop Scales?
FOX - I Can Hardly Wait For the All-Bjork Episode
CW - Haven't the Crystals In These Kids' Palms Started Flashing Yet?
CNN - Soledad O'Brien: Pennsylvania Dutch in America
PBS - Wait! There's Something Ken Burns Forgot to Include In His Previous 600 Hours About Baseball
A&E - More Human Freak Shows Designed to Make Your Drab, Wretched Lives Seem So Much Better By Comparison
9 - 10
ABC - Online Sex-Trafficking With the Stars
CBS - NCIS: The Keebler Elf Tree
FOX - For Those Of You Who Missed the Lubitsch-Like Touch of My Name Is Earl ** ; Chris Elliott Would Have Starred In This 20 Years Ago
CW - I'm Guessing Something With Teens
CNN - At Last, Larry King Can Finally Return to His USA Today Exploding Brain Fart Column
A&E - More Human Freak Shows Designed to Make Your Drab, Wretched Lives Seem So Much Better By Comparison
10 - 11
ABC - Insert Detroit Joke of Your Choice Here
CBS - I Object, Vigorously
NBC - Here's Hoping For an Art-Imitates-Life Sweeps Month Adam/Sarah Braverman Incest Plot
Bravo - Remember When People Had Real Jobs?
A&E - More Human Freak Shows Designed to Make Your Drab, Wretched Lives Seem So Much Better By Comparison
WEDNESDAY
8-9
ABC - Wow, This Is Still On; Wow, This Won't Be
CBS - Survivor: Dove World Outreach Center
NBC - They're Secret Agents! They're Married! They're Hot! They're...Oh, My Aching Back
FOX - Dr. Cal Lightman and Patrick Jane Should Team Up and Stare at Each Other
CW - America's Love Affair With Bulimic Coat Hangers Continues Unabated
PBS - Chapter 138 - Earned Runs and Runs Allowed: A Relief Pitcher Shall Not Be Held Accountable When the First Batter To Whom He Pitches Reaches First Base On Four Called Balls If Such Batter Has a Decided Advantage In the Ball and Strike Count When Pitchers Are Changed
AMC - If John Wayne or Clint Eastwood Didn't Star In It, We Don't Care
A&E - More Human Freak Shows Designed to Make Your Drab, Wretched Lives Seem So Much Better By Comparison
9 - 10
ABC - Your One-Stop Shopping Place For Flaming Homosexual Stereotypes, Hot Latina Stereotypes, Stupid Parent Stereotypes, and Repulsive Children!; When Is James Michael Tyler Going to Guest Star As Gunther?
CBS - Can We Have Just One Episode Where a Serial Killer Is the Biggest Dumbass Who Ever Lived?
NBC - Law & Order: Red Velvet Cupcake Unit
FOX - Gordon Ramsay Actually Sent His Li'l Kitchen Nightmares Crew To a Restaurant In My Hometown, Revamped the Whole Place, And Then It Went Out of Business, So Fuck Him With a Cheese Grater
CW - Pom-Pom Bitchfest, Now With 20 Percent More Class-Consciousness!
A&E - More Human Freak Shows Designed to Make Your Drab, Wretched Lives Seem So Much Better By Comparison
10 - 11
ABC - America's Love Affair With Self-Righteous Lawyers and Cases That Would Normally Take 17 Years to Complete Continues Unabated
CBS - If This Lasts as Long as According to Jim, Please Feel Free to Find Me in Eight Years And Beat Me With a Sack of Oranges
NBC - Law & Order: Crackerbox Palace
TV Land - Lisa Rinna's Lips Should Be Used to Smother All Future Fires in Southern California
A&E - More Human Freak Shows Designed to Make Your Drab, Wretched Lives Seem So Much Better By Comparison
THURSDAY
8-9
ABC - F-Fade Away, Please
CBS - If Only Chuck Lorre Lavished Half the Creativity On His Shows That He Does On the Vanity Cards That Appear At the End of His Shows; I'm Waiting for Cats That Look Like Hitler: The Sitcom and the Upcoming Twitter Feed Movie Blankets I Enjoy
NBC - If They Don't Make Kick Puncher Into a Movie, There Is No Justice; Still Funny
FOX - For the Love of Christ, Will You Two JUST FUCK ALREADY?!
CW - After Vampires, I Think the Next Big Teen Craze Will Be Flash Gordon 1930s-Style Robots That Are Programmed For Evil But Fall In Love and Vow to Protect Humanity
Comedy Central - And the Winner Is George C. Scott In Man Getting Hit By Football
A&E - More Human Freak Shows Designed to Make Your Drab, Wretched Lives Seem So Much Better By Comparison
9 - 10
ABC - Time of Death: Two Years Ago
CBS - CSI: Whoville
NBC - Before Carell Leaves, Michael Scott Should Patent His Toilet Buddy Idea And Become Rich *** ; Who's Up For Non-Stop Ravi Shankar/Spicy Curry Jokes?
FOX - I'm Not Sure Why I Don't Watch This, I Guess I've Been Hurt Too Badly by Other Sci-Fi Shows
CW - If Anyone Knows Where Peta Wilson Is, Tell Her "Hi" From Me
Bravo - The Real Housewives of Glocca Morra
A&E - More Human Freak Shows Designed to Make Your Drab, Wretched Lives Seem So Much Better By Comparison
10 - 11
ABC - Do Not Resuscitate
CBS - See Wednesday, 8:00pm, Fox
NBC - This Year, Donald Trump Takes 16 Talented, Struggling, Unemployed Young People and Uses Them For Firewood
Comedy Central - Because There Wasn't Quite Enough Room Over at Fox, What With All Those Seth MacFarlane Masterpieces That Are On
MTV - The Most Obvious Reasons to Reconsider Eugenics
A&E - More Human Freak Shows Designed to Make Your Drab, Wretched Lives Seem So Much Better By Comparison
FRIDAY
8-9
ABC - Give Me a Million So I Don't Have to Write This Blog Anymore
CBS - Sometimes a Cigar Is Just a Hideously Murdered Cigar
NBC - The Road to Hell Is Paved With Shows Like This
FOX - We Run Our Gang Shorts Until American Idol Premieres
CW - In Case You Were Wondering, This Has Been On For Ten Years
Fox News - The New Black Panthers Are Stealing Your Luggage
Travel - On the Bright Side, Your Stay at the Grisly Death Inn Comes With Free Continental Breakfast
A&E - More Human Freak Shows Designed to Make Your Drab, Wretched Lives Seem So Much Better By Comparison
9 - 10
ABC - America's Love Affair With the Minutia of Decomposing Bodies Continues Unabated
CBS - CSI: Grover's Corner
NBC - Dateline NBC: We Bury The Last Person Who Watched Dateline NBC
FOX - At Least The X-Files Was An Excuse To Be Home on Friday Nights
CW - If There's Something Strange In Your Neighborhood, Who Ya Gonna Call? Not Two Guys Who Look Like They're From Abercrombie and Fitch
Discovery - This Week, the Ghost of Timothy Treadwell Delights Our Couple With Details Of How He Was Attacked and Eaten
A&E - More Human Freak Shows Designed to Make Your Drab, Wretched Lives Seem So Much Better By Comparison
10 - 11
ABC - 20/20: Every Story We've Ever Presented Was Completely Made Up
CBS - You Have the Right to Remain Cancelled
NBC - Jay Leno's Looking Pretty Good Right About Now, Eh?
A&E - More Human Freak Shows Designed to Make Your Drab, Wretched Lives Seem So Much Better By Comparison
SATURDAY
8-9
ABC - I Had No Idea There Was a Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl
CBS - And Executives Scratch Their Heads, Wondering Why No One Watches TV Anymore
NBC - Yes, Let's Rerun Shows That Audiences Skipped When They Originally Aired Days Earlier
FOX - Seriously, Are There Any White Trash Meth Addicts Left To Be Arrested On Camera?
Spike TV - We Interrupt People Kicking Each Other With All Six Star Wars Movies For the Buh-Zillionth Time
TCM - Robert Osborne and Alec Baldwin Discuss What Went Wrong With The Marrying Man
A&E - More Human Freak Shows Designed to Make Your Drab, Wretched Lives Seem So Much Better By Comparison
9 - 10
CBS - Solving This Case Will Save You 15 Percent On Your Car Insurance
NBC - And Let's Rerun More Shows Because That's the Way to Attract Viewers on Saturdays
FOX - John Walsh Never Uses a Good Photo Of Me
Animal Planet - Blue Whale Hoarders
A&E - More Human Freak Shows Designed to Make Your Drab, Wretched Lives Seem So Much Better By Comparison
10 - 11
CBS - 48 Hours Mystery: Why Hasn't Katie Couric Been Fired?
NBC - 1939 RCA Indian Head Test Pattern
E! - Hugh Hefner's Cock Detaches and Reveals The Secrets of the Universe ****
The Golf Channel - Something Involving Golf
A&E - More Human Freak Shows Designed to Make Your Drab, Wretched Lives Seem So Much Better By Comparison
SUNDAY
8-9
ABC - The Gang Builds the Islamic Cultural Center And Our Nation Gets Seriously, Extremely Uplifted
CBS - To Make It Even More Amazing This Year, Let's Cut Off the Contestants' Arms, Legs, and Heads
NBC - Breaking News As Brett Favre Retires During the Opening Kickoff Against the Dolphins and Is Replaced By Fran Tarkenton
FOX - Have No Fears, They've Got Stories For Years...; There's Nothing I Can Say About Seth MacFarlane That Gilbert Gottfried Didn't Already Eloquently Address at the David Hasselhoff Roast
Lifetime - "Hysterectomy of Love" (2002; Tori Spelling, Susan Lucci, Charles Shaughnessy)
A&E - More Human Freak Shows Designed to Make Your Drab, Wretched Lives Seem So Much Better By Comparison
9 - 10
ABC - If You Remember When This Was Popular You Deserve To Watch It
CBS - Too Bad Leona Helmsley Isn't Alive To Be On This
FOX - Here's the Link to Gilbert at the Hasselhoff Roast: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kdTLTW1QVNg ; You're Welcome
HBO - Okay, NOW Will You Shut Up About The Sopranos?
A&E - More Human Freak Shows Designed to Make Your Drab, Wretched Lives Seem So Much Better By Comparison
10 - 11
ABC - Will God Finally Release a Plague of Locusts to End the Walkers' Torment?
CBS - CSI: Okefenokee Swamp
AMC - Maybe Peggy Olson Will Create That Commercial With Dustin Hoffman Crawling Inside the Volkswagen
TLC - Boogers!
A&E - More Human Freak Shows Designed to Make Your Drab, Wretched Lives Seem So Much Better By Comparison
** But Martha Plimpton is in it and so, I will watch
*** Then Dwight, inspired by Michael's success, sells the farm to launch HorseBoat and fails miserably
**** And it speaks in the voice of Morgan Freeman